Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D., Stillwater Oklahoma counselor, living skills, coping skills, stress management skills, assertiveness skills, recovery skills, cognitive therapy skills,

Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D., LADC, LMFT
116 W. 7th, Suite 211
Stillwater, OK 74074
405-707-9600; Fax 405-707-9601

Articles on Skills Building
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Table of Contents

1. Accomplishing Your Goals: Identifying and Eliminating Roadblocks
2. Seven Reasons Why New Year's Resolutions Fail and What You Can Do To Succeed
3. New: Identifying Your Holiday Values To Assist In Your Stress Management
4. New: Managing Holiday Stress and Growing in the Process: The Holidays As An Opportunity for Growth
5. How to Gain Assertiveness To Empower Your Recovery
6. Skill Building: Learning How to Effectively Manage Stress
7. Cognitive Therapy for Feelings: Change How You Think to Change How You Feel

8. Regaining Your Credibility - How to Get Honest In Recovery
9. Identifying Problem Areas to Guide Skill Development
10. Defining "Assertiveness" As A First Step In Developing Assertiveness

1. Accomplishing Your Goals: Identifying and Eliminating Roadblocks
by Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

It is a new year. You have New Year Resolutions and you have already left your identified new path. Those resolutions could involve anything from quitting smoking to redecorating your office. The type of resolution does not matter. You decided you wanted to make changes and decided exactly what kind of changes you wanted to make. You may have even developed a plan to enact those changes. You may be discouraged and wondering what happened. To get back on track, look at what happened. Identify the obstacles that have either already been encountered or ones that could get in the way of your goals. The following are typical obstacles that can interfere with making changes in your life:

l. Lack of belief in your ability to do something. This is called self-efficacy. It is a cognitive distortion that tells you that "you can't...",
2. Other components of low self-esteem that tell you that you are not good enough. These distortions in your thinking tell you that you are unworthy of the changes in your life and the positive things that will happen because of those changes.
3. Habits and old behavior patterns that serve as self-sabotage. Some people sabotage themselves with procrastination, habitual lateness, impulsive behavior, acting out emotions, etc.
4. Prematurely giving up when results are not immediate. Unreasonable expectations derail many life changing plans.
5. Conflicting demands or tasks that sap your interest or re-direct your time, energy, and attention away from your goals.
6. Relationships with saboteurs. Relationships and interactions with others that either openly oppose your changes or covertly sabotage them can derail efforts to change.

You can probably identify some obstacles to making changes that have occurred at other times in your life. Add them to your list.

Take each obstacle, consider it a problem to be solved, and identify possible solutions to each obstacle, along with a plan of action for enacting at least one solution for each one.

Review your goal and the steps involved in accomplishing your goal. Make a flexible time table for accomplishing each step of the goal. Write it all down. Keep track of your efforts and your progress. Identify and write down any new obstacles that appear. Keep track of how you resolve the problem of those new obstacles.

Keep suiting up and showing up. Sooner or later, you will accomplish your goal.

2. Seven Reasons Why New Year's Resolutions Fail and What You Can Do To Succeed
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Here we are again at the threshold of a new year. I am glad that there is a week between Christmas and the New Year. It gives me a chance to recover, regroup, and rethink. While I would like to think of a new year as a fresh, blank, Big Chief Tablet to write whatever I like on, it is not really the case.

The new year typically has lots of loose ends left to be tied up. There are also many things, situations, circumstances, and processes that transcend years and even decades. An example would be a career, an education, a marriage, self-improvement efforts, and other long term goals like financial management. A life time is not marked in finite sections of 365 days beginning with January one and ending with December 31. Life is a continuous process.

Even in the midst of these processes, a new year, however, gives me an opportunity to evaluate my progress, assess my accomplishments, and rethink the areas that need improvement. Looking back over the last year, I managed to accomplish some of my goals. Others—not so much. I hear people say that they don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore, that they subjected themselves to making and breaking them year after year for decades.

I humbly suggest that New Year’s resolutions still have a place in most of our lives. “Resolutions” only have real resolve if they are initiated and owned by the person making the resolution. If they are “shoulds” directed by nameless and/or not-so-nameless others, they are not truly resolutions. These "shoulds" dressed up like resolutions seem to reflect a recognition of a need to change, yet without the commitment and/or the plan to do so.

We have all heard of the 80% failure rate of New Year’s resolutions and perhaps have thought, “what’s the use?” There are many possible reasons why New Year’s resolutions fail, including the following:

l. They are/were other directed at the outset. An example would be the resolution to quit smoking because your wife/husband demands it. If your significant others are demanding that you quit, don't grumble about quitting for them. Don't approach quitting with resentment and reservations. Instead, acknowledge that even though you have some mixed feelings about quitting, put all your effort into it and focus on the reasons that you want to quit. Make quitting (and any other New Years resolutions) meaningful to you.

2. The expectation does not fit the reality of the goal. An example would be the resolution to lose weight. No matter what methods you may be using to try to lose weight and regardless of the ads you see on tv and on the internet, the pounds will not magically fall off. No matter what your goal, make sure that your expectations are reasonable. Otherwise, you may just give up. With the example of losing weight, consider how often have you given up upon losing "only" five or ten pounds after changing eating habits and walking daily for three months? In reality, changing how you eat, regular exercise and utilizing other lifestyle changes should yield generally improved health and some weight reduction results within a year. For most difficult goals or resolutions, set backs and less than perfect results should be anticipated.

3. The goal may not include an appropriate method to achieve it. An example might be the resolution to cut back on drinking. When after multiple attempts at this New Year’s resolution, it may become obvious that “cutting back” is not the appropriate approach to solving whatever problems are associated with the drinking. Previous attempts to cut back or to quit drinking may signal alcoholism, an illness that often requires formal treatment/help to arrest it--and total abstinence, not cutting back.

4. New Year’s resolutions may involve a veritable laundry list, including everything but the kitchen sink. This shotgun affect just identifies some things that you might not like about yourself or your life, but does little to bring about actual change.

5. New Year’s resolution(s) are verbalized but not written down and so are easily forgotten. There is no start date, no reminders, no criteria for measuring success along the way.

6. Resolutions may even be written down, but are not fleshed out with measurable goals or short term, mid-range, and long term objectives that serve as a roadmap or blue print for how to accomplish them. If you have a resolution, turn it into a goal, make it measurable, then plot out a strategy over time on how to get there from here. Develop a time-frame. Example: For saving money this year, I will have $50 taken out of my checking account and moved to savings each pay period. By this time next year, I will have at least $1200.00 in savings.

7. Reluctance to make a commitment or to tell others about your resolutions or goals may reduce the vulnerability that you feel about possibly looking foolish, but it undermines your efforts. When you let others know that you have a goal/resolution, you allow others to assist you in your efforts. Perhaps some of the people closest to you have the same ones. You could team up.

Some of the most common New Year's Resolutions are to 1) lose weight/get healthy, 2) save money/manage debt, 3) get a better job, 4) get an education, 5) stop drinking/smoking/gambling, 6) improve the quality of your life by spending time with loved ones/manage stress better/learning how to enjoy life, 7) find a partner/be a better partner. Most of these goals take longer than a year to accomplish, but much progress can be made within a year, and the process is the prize.

3. Identifying Your Real Holiday Values
To Assist in Your Stress Management
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

During the course of trying to change behavior, people often discover that what they say they value and what their behavior indicates that they value are not the same thing. We may believe that we most value our family members, our home, or relationship with a Higher Power, when in fact, we spend our time, money, attention, on an entirely different list of things and activities. Our behavior does not match our values. This one mismatch can set us up for internal and relationship conflicts that creates or increases stress.

To change up old behaviors, you have to decide what you want to do differently and to identify goals for change. To help you identify the direction that you want to move into, use this exercise to identify your true values regarding the holidays.

What are my true values regarding the holidays? Rank the following items from most important (#1) to least important (#15). Read the whole list before you start assigning rank.

___ Finding just the right present for the most important people in my life.

___ Spending enough money on gifts that my loved ones know that I love them.

___ Taking the opportunity with time off from work and other obligations to spend it with my loved ones.

___ Making sure that time with loved ones is action packed so that everyone is entertained and no one gets bored.

___ Spending the kind of time with loved ones where we can talk and catch up on the important things that are happening in each other’s lives.

___ Maintaining the holiday traditions that I was raised with.

___ Developing holiday traditions that have meaning for the important people in my life.

___ Having an especially clean house so that I will feel good about having company.

___ Taking the time to connect with friends and family members that I haven’t seen a lot of, even if its over the phone.

___ Being charitable to less fortunate people, either with my time or my money.

___ Attending church and/or keeping the spiritual/religious significance of the season in the foreground.

___ Using the holidays as an opportunity for spiritual growth.

___ Using the holidays as a reminder for all the things I have to feel grateful for, and to exhibit a thankfulness for God’s grace.

___ Making sure that I tell the people that I love, that I do love, in deed and in words.

___ Making sure that I present myself and my family well.

___ Making the food memorable.

4. Managing Holiday Stress and Growing in the Process:

The Holidays As An Opportunity For Growth

The holidays present a unique opportunity to develop and practice new living skills. Because of the extra stress created in various areas of a person’s life, you have an opportunity to practice stress management skills, gain new ability to maintain balance across different life domains, and to begin to repair damaged relationships.

Keep your expectations realistic and manageable. Explore old expectations that have hurt you in the past when they didn’t come true.

Remember that things change in life. Holidays now are not holidays then. You are not a child. Don’t act like one. Don't expect your elderly mother to wait on you hand and foot, do all the prep work, cooking, cleaning, AND give you money.
Make new traditions to accommodate your new healthy lifestyle.
Spend time with people who love you and who support you. They may or may not be your family. Don’t wait for them to contact you. Reach out to them.
Take responsibility for your own behavior with your family. You cannot change them, but you can change how you interact with them.
Use this holiday as an opportunity to re-connect. Keep things light. Don’t get into old grievances.
Get organized. Make a list. Prioritize it. Eliminate items that can go.
Keep structure in your life. Use an appointment book to stay on top of your responsibilities and reasonable expectations of self. Schedule in time for self. Don’t schedule yourself in too tightly.
Put your health first—not last. Keep disruption of your life to a minimum. Exercise. Get your normal amount of sleep. Take your vitamins. Use your relaxation tapes or techniques. Go to meetings. Do your daily meditation.
Keep your eating habits as normal as possible.
Don’t try to do it all by yourself. Let others help. Let some things slide.
Don’t overspend.
Take time for yourself. Read a book. See a movie. Enjoy the sights, sounds, smells.
Keep an attitude of gratitude. It is hard to be in self-pity when you are busy being grateful.
Get out of self. Volunteer. Help others.

5. How to Gain Assertiveness to Empower Your Recovery
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Alcoholics and addicts are called upon to learn new living skills to replace the roles that chemicals played in their lives. Some of the most important skills to be acquired in early recovery are effective communication and relationship skills.

Assertiveness is necessary for communication and relationship skills. This self-assured style not only involves being able to stand up for one's own rights without trampling on the rights of others, it also involves being able to say "no" without feeling guilty. It encompasses taking responsibility for one's own feelings, behaviors, decisions, actions, and reactions, while giving up responsibility for those same things in others. It includes being able to appropriately express a full range of emotions to others.

Self-confident, firm behavior involves being able to openly, honestly, and directly communicate one's wants and needs. Firm boundary setting does not involve building impenetrable walls. It tells others where you stand, and outlines a range of appropriate behavior in regard to you.

Passivity denotes an absence of self-confidence and firmness. It generally involves abandoning one's own rights, wants, needs, to the wants or needs of others. An absence of appropriate boundaries allows others to pretty much treat you as they want, regardless of what you want.

Aggression involves trespassing others' boundaries to get your own wants or needs met. It can involve verbal, emotional, sexual, spiritual, or intellectual abuse. This could involve manipulation and dirty fight tactics. People can also be passive-aggressive, which is about being aggressive in sneaky, covert way. More often than not, it is about acting out anger in a hidden way. A classic example is typical backbiting, talking behind one's back kind of behavior that you see in the world of work every day. Most people exhibit this behavior from time to time. The following are examples of passive aggressive responses to a request that you don't want to do:

1.      Saying "ok", but not having any intention of doing it.
2.      Saying "ok", intending to do it, but putting it off until eventually they do it themselves.
3.      Saying "ok", doing it, but doing a lousy job at it, thinking "they will never ask me to do that again."
4.      Saying "ok", doing it and doing a good job at it, but going around to everyone complaining about their imposition in the first place.
5.      Instead of saying "no", giving 15 excuses why you can't do it and the real reason is that you don't want to.

An appropriately firm way to deal with an undesirable request, is to say, "No, I don't want to do that", or "No thanks", or "No." When you are not accustomed to being assertive, a simple "No" can feel aggressive.

Most people have some area of their lives where they feel pretty confident about being standing up for themselves. Even the least self-assured person has some area where they can be assertive and the most self-confident person has some area where they just can't seem to get it together.

The skills that you use to be firm in one area are transferable to other areas where it seems like you will always give in. All it takes to transfer these skills is "risk". The risk is usually fear of loss when you avoid trying to be assertive. This fear of loss is often about loss of esteem, self-esteem, loss of goods and services, or loss of the relationship. Most of the time, the fear is way out of proportion to the likelihood of actual loss.

In order to find out which areas you have the least confidence in your ability to be assertive, ask yourself whether you typically behave in a confident, firm manner when you engage in the following circumstances:

1.      Getting off the phone from the telemarketers without listening to their sales pitch?
2.      Taking something defective back to Walmart?
3.      Sending a steak back that is not cooked the way you ordered it?
4.      Telling your neighbor "no" when s/he wants to borrow something.
5.      Setting boundaries with someone at work who tries to take advantage of your good nature either by trying to get you to do their work, or asking you to cover up for them.
6.      Negotiating for changes at work, either for more money or a change in working conditions.
7.      Saying "no" to one of your siblings who wants something that you don't want to give -- time, energy, or other resources.
8.      Saying "no" (and staying at "no") to one of the kids who wants something you don't want to give, do, or buy.
9.      Setting boundaries with the previous generation (your parents or spouse's parents) when they want to meddle in your business where they don't belong (e.g. money or marriage).
10. Conveying your feelings assertively to your significant other who has done something that involved your feelings being hurt.

Can you see patterns in the areas where you want to be confidently firm, and where you have more trouble? What are they?

In which areas of difficulty can you accomplish being assertive by practicing the skills you already have? If you took the risk, what would happen?

Look at the areas that lack confident firmness and ask yourself "What is it that I haven't been willing to risk?"
Much of the time, the fear is not reality-based. If you find that you cannot be confidently firm in close personal relationships, the risk is probably fear of abandonment. You may be afraid that those significant people won't love you if you are honest with them or if you take care of yourself.

Assertiveness is a worthwhile endeavor. It builds and reinforces self-esteem. Passivity, aggression, and passive-aggression undermines self-esteem. Learning to be confident and competent in your relationships with others is an important recovery task. Confident, firm communication is a component of acquiring these relationship skills.

Can you see patterns in the areas where you want to be confidently firm, and where you have more trouble? What are they?

In which areas of difficulty can you accomplish being assertive by practicing the skills you already have? If you took the risk, what would happen?

Although one of the most important skills necessary for maintaining recovery from addiction is feelings managment, development of this skill is a common goal for people seeking my counseling services. Deficits in ability to own, express, and work through feelings is common to all addictions, mental health problems such as anxiety and depression, and relationship difficulties. For any number of reasons, feelings management is an area that commonly needs remedial work in recovery. Recently, a patient asked me to make a list of specific, concrete things that you can do with feelings, to effectively deal with them or work through them. Below is the list that we concocted together.

I) For Fear try these things:

A. Identify it. Say it out loud. Fear only thrives in the dark.

B. Use cognitive therapy. (See my article on using the ABCs of Cognitive Therapy for Working Through Feelings)

C. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Is it a reasonable fear?

2. Can I do anything about this?

a. If it is a reasonable fear and if you can do something about it, use pro-active problem solving.

b. If it is either not a reasonable fear (e.g., something with even a reasonable probability of happening) or not something that you have any power or control over, then use thought stopping to eliminate worry, rumination, and obsessing about it,

3. Use prayer, especially the Serenity prayer to reduce fear.

II) For Anger, try these:

A. Identify what you're angry about.

B. Identify any other feelings that may have occurred before the anger.

C. If there is a conflict to be resolved, resolve it.

D. If your anger is about hurt, work through the hurt.

E. Identify the part you play in your anger. Take responsibility for your anger and for resolving it.

F. For resentment, which is a kind of residual, leftover, underlying anger, try these things:

1. Make amends to the other person for your part in hanging onto that resentment.

2. Work on forgiveness of the other person involved. If you are not willing to forgive, work on the willingness to forgive.

3. You can always use the old AA standby for resentment, which is to pray for that person's health, wealth, and happiness (even if you don't mean it, eventually you will).

III) For Shame, try these:

A. Keep in mind that it is an ongoing process to reduce shame.

B. Keep doing the next right thing in your life.

C. Don't do what you will feel guilty for, which can turn into shame.

D. Identify the source of the shame. We are not born with shame. It comes from outside of us. Look for the shaming messages in your life that have told you that you are not good enough. (e.g. mom, dad, school).

1. Combat those with disputing statements of your own as they come up.

a. Use positive affirmations or self-talk to change the old shaming messages that are part of your emotional baggage, and the current negative self talk that you engage in of your own free will. Change old negative statements to positive ones like these: "I am good enough", "Everyone makes mistakes", "I am human and I am worthwhile".

IV) For Guilt, try these:

A. Admit where you are/were wrong.

B. Make amends as events occur.

C. Keep doing the right thing.

D. Forgive yourself for being a fallible human being and not perfect.

E. Stop beating yourself up.

V) For Hurt, try these:

A. Identify the feeling as hurt, apart from the anger associated with it.

B. Use cognitive therapy to identify and change any cognitive distortions that may be creating unnecessary hurt.

C. Ask yourself if you could have "taken it wrong".

1. If so, try to give the offending party the benefit of the doubt, or

2. Ask for clarification of the message or the meaning of the situation from the person that "hurt" you."

3. Communicate your feelings to the person.

a. Use this template:

1. When you (behavior), I feel (feeling)".

2. Don't defend your feeling.

3. Don't over-explain it.

4. Just name it and share it.

4. For long standing grievances or hurt feelings, you may have to work on forgiveness.

VI) For Sadness, try these:

A. Gift someone by sharing that feeling with them.

B. For long standing sadness, write about it in a letter to God, in a journal, or in poetry.

C. For grief, write the person who is gone a letter.

D. Practice increased self-care.

E. Prayer.

VII) For Loneliness, try these:

A. Find enjoyable company; get out and meet new people.

B. Love your pets

C. Take a walk, or make the most of some solitary activity that helps you commune with nature or with God.

D. Volunteer your time or other resources to help others and get out of self.

E. Call someone you haven't talked to in a long time.

F. Make a gratitude list.

VIII) For Helplessness, try these:

A. Identify the feeling as helplessness, apart from any other feelings you may be having, including fear and/or anger.

B. Write about it.

C. Talk about it.

D. Use inner dialogue to remind yourself that you are not God, and that you are not responsible for everything and everyone in the universe.

E. Relinquish control of the situation to the care of your Higher Power, recognizing that God has a better plan than you could come up with.

IX) For Joy, try this:

A. Spread it around.

7. Cognitive Therapy for Feelings:
Change How You Think to
Change How You Feel
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

One of the most powerful tools in working through feelings in addiction recovery is the use of Cognitive Therapy. I have been using this with my clients since the l980s when the technique was called Rational Emotional Theory (by Albert Ellis). Aaron Beck is credited with Cognitive Therapy, which seems to have evolved from RET by application and further development. Some time ago, I came across a worksheet entitled, "The ABCs of RET", that had a very simple format. It explained how to use this technique to identify the Activating Event (A), the Belief about that event (B), and the Feelings associated with the Belief (C). I believe that D) the behavior came along along later. This worksheet used the example of seeing a mouse. This is how it works:

1. What is the Activating Event? Example: My spouse says "I'm leaving" in the middle of an argument.

2. What is your Belief about that event? What meaning do you give it? Example: I believe that he is leaving for good.

3. What feelings do you have when you think that? Example: I feel fear that he won't come back and that I will be abandoned. I feel sad that we will get a divorce.

4. What is your behavior when you think and feel these things? Example: I block the door and try to get him to stay and keep talking to me.

At this point, you go back to #1, the activating event, which remains the same, then challenge the automatic thought that you had about the event.

1. Activating Event remains the same. Example: My spouse says "I'm leaving" in the middle of an argument.

2. What else could that event mean? Identify other possible beliefs or explanations. Try to at least a neutral explanation. Example: He could be leaving to try to de-escalate the argument. Or, he could be leaving so that he won't say something that he will regret.

3. What feelings do you have when you think that the alternatives are possible? Example: I feel reassured that he loves me and wants to work it out. I feel safe.

4. How does your behavior change as your feelings change? Example: I let him go out the door, and I try to calm myself down, so that we can finish the discussion rationally when he gets back.

8. Regaining Your Credibility - How to Get Honest In Recovery

By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Many people, while active in addiction, engage in deceptive, dishonest behavior, and diversionary tactics. These are part and parcel of addiction and the need to keep the extent of their problem hidden. It is difficult to juggle all the demands of being addicted with all the "normal" demands of living, plus hiding the addiction from others. Other people in an addict's life are affected by the addiction. Conflict is inevitable.

Performance in various areas of an addict's life begins to slip as the disease progresses. The addict feels compelled to do whatever is necessary to maintain the status quo, keep up appearances and/or keep going. Deception and dishonesty often become the norm rather than the exception.

Use these questions to identify ways that the disease has impacted your ability to be honest and how your dishonesty may have undermined your credibility:

Identify your pre-recovery dishonesty.

What kinds of things did you do to hide your addiction? How were you dishonest in word and in deed? Who did you lie to? What were the lies you told. Did you lie when it didn't even matter to your consequences? Were you in a habit of lying?

What other kinds of things were you dishonest about?

Did you stubbornly persist in a lie when you were aware that your significant other knew you were lying? When this happened, did you move into an "offense position", exclaiming your innocence and being offended because you were questioned, accused, or called a liar? Did you believe that your "word" was enough to convince someone to not trust their own intelligence and experience, and to believe you instead of themselves?

When you were being dishonest were you acting outside your own value system? How did that affect you? What did you think and feel about yourself?

What did you do with the feelings that were generated by your dishonesty and the betrayal of your values? Did you just use more of your drug of choice to not feel your feelings? Did you project your feelings on to the person?

Identify your current dishonest behavior.

Now that you are in recovery, what are you still being dishonest about? Who are you lying to? Are you being dishonest about the effects of the disease on your life and the lives of significant others? Are you being dishonest with yourself and/or others about the damage caused by your disease?

Ask yourself these questions:

Who has my disease harmed? How? What explanation am I giving them? What have I done to make amends? If I am avoiding amends, why? What am I afraid will happen or not happen?

Sometimes people in early recovery continue to employ defense mechanisms that allow them to distort their reality. An example might be rationalizing that making amends to a loved one about stealing from them to buy drugs would only hurt them more. In reality the addict does not want to deal with the guilt and shame of her behavior and to humble herself by making amends. She fears that she will be lessened in the eyes of her loved one and will be rejected.

Identify your defense mechanisms and justifications for not being honest at this point in your recovery. Examples of defenses include: outright denial, rationalization, intellectualization, justification, blaming, minimization, projection of anger or hostility.

Are you being dishonest about your recovery efforts or some other areas or issues in your life?

Identify ways that your resistance to be honest could jeopardize your recovery.

Recovery is not possible without honesty. If you are working on identifying the people you have harmed and are in the process of making amends to them, the experienced guidance of a sponsor could come in very handy at this point. Most people need some direct guidance and feedback during the process of making amends.

How to get real in recovery

Identify any positive effects that could come from taking the risk to be honest about the things that you are dragging your feet about.

If you have anxiety about taking the risk to be honest about something you have been avoiding, write yourself a script on how to broach the subject and what you want to say.

Identify the probable best time to do this and make a plan on how to carry it out.

Keep your message about yourself. Do not blame the other person or anyone else.

Say it simply without a lot of extraneous and confusing details. Don't defend your behavior or analyze it. Tell him or her what you need to say, then make amends.

Continue to practice developing your honesty skills by reviewing daily when you were and were not honest.

9. Identifying Problem Areas
To Guide Skill Development
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

One of the main things that I teach newly recovering alcoholics/addicts to do, is to identify the roles that chemicals play in their lives. This is especially important since the chemical has occupied so many crucial roles or functions and that removing it from a person's life leaves big, gaping holes in their behavioral repetoire. When you identify the roles previously played by the chemical, you then identify possible healthy alternatives to replace the roles with. Early on, it is usually simple things like meetings, prayer, meditation, exercise, calling people for help, etc. Its pretty difficult to learn sophisticated living skills when you are hanging on by your fingernails. A little later in recovery, we are still working on replacing the roles with healthy alternatives, but we are focusing more on developinig more indepth living skills, and working to solve the most pressing of problems.

Often, by the time that someone finds his way to recovery, he has focused so much on getting the next drug, using it, and getting over it, that they don't have a full grasp of the disarray that his life is truly in. The bills may be stacked up and unpaid. There may be impending court dates. Extended family members may not be speaking to him. He may be unemployed or underemployed. He may lack frustration tolerance, stress managment, feelings expression skills, and inability to communicate and problem solve with others. The following problems list can help the recovering person begin to repair the damage caused in his life by addiction. To use this checklist, identify which problems you have, rank them from most pressing to least pressing, taking into account the items as short term and long term goals.

The Problems Checklist

Check the problems on this list that you have currently. Identify whether you look at these items as short term or long term goals. Rank the ones you identified in terms of most pressing to least pressing, (i.e. #1, #2, #3).

Check Rank

____ ____ Housing, or appropriate place to live
____ ____ Medical or dental problems or need for checkups
____ ____ Regaining custody of children or finding Appropriate childcare
____ ____ Legal and court problems
____ ____ Relationship issues
____ ____ Social network problems (i.e. drug using friends/acquaintences)
____ ____ Feeling management skills
____ ____ Education issues such as going back to school, GED, additional training, etc.
____ ____ Psychololgical issues like anxiety, depression, mental confusion, mood swings, etc.
____ ____ Lack of structure and time management skills
____ ____ Lack of stress management skills
____ ____ Impatience, lack of frustration tolerance, demand for immediate gratification
____ ____ Lack of self-esteem, self-confidence, or positive identity
____ ____ Shame and guilt about hurting family or need to make amends
____ ____ Poor communication skills and/or poor conflict management skills
____ ____ Other obsessive compulsive behaviors
____ ____ Alienation, not feeling like you fit in, loneliness, isolation
____ ____ Lack of motivation or Procrastination
____ ____ Reliable Transportation
____ ____ Financial concerns or unpaid bills
____ ____ Job training or employment

10. Defining Assertiveness As A First Step in Developing Assertiveness
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Although most people have some pretty clear-cut notions about what assertiveness is and isn't, assertiveness is often confused with aggression. Assertiveness is not necessarily about having your will prevail over the will of others. That is actually more descriptive of aggression. Especially when there is little regard to the rights or feelings of others. Instead, assertiveness is simply about being able to stand up for your own rights without trampling on the rights of others.

Some examples of assertive behavior:
a) Saying "no" to a request without feeling excessively guilty and without being mean or rude.
b) Taking responsibility for your own feelings, behaviors, decisions, actions, and reactions, while letting go of responsibility for those same things in others.
c) Practicing open, honest, and direct communication.
d) Setting boundaries without building walls.
e) Expressing a full range of emotions to others, without undue anxiety

Passivity, on the other hand, generally involves abandoning your own rights, wants, and needs to the wants or needs of others. It is an absence of assertiveness and the opposite of aggression.
Some examples of passive behavior:
a) Saying “yes” to a request, when you really want to say “no”.
b) Allowing others to insult, hurt, or abuse you or someone else in some way, without trying to protect yourself or them.
c) Not taking action, when some form of action is called for.
d) Suppressing your own feelings, thoughts, needs, and wants out of fear or self-imposed subordination.

Aggression involves stepping on the rights of others in the process of trying to get your own wants or needs met. It violates others' boundaries.
Some examples of aggressive behavior:
a) Demanding that others do things your way.
b) Voice tones and body language that imply some level of threat.
c) Violating others boundaries by getting to physically close to them, physically, emotionally, or verbally abusing someone else.

Passive-aggression is a way of being aggressive in a covert, sneaky way. More often than not, passive
aggression involves acting out anger in a hidden way.
Some examples of passive-aggressive behavior:
a) Someone asks you to do something that you don’t want to do. Instead of saying “no”, you make excuses to not do it, say you will, then simply not follow through, or do it and do a lousy job.
b) Gossiping, backbiting, talking about others behind their backs.
c) Tardiness, “conveniently forgetting things you don’t want to do or deal with,
d) Procrastination
e) Sarcasm

Clearly, there are differences between assertiveness, passivity, aggression, and passive aggression. Knowing those differences allow you to begin to develop assertiveness skills that are helpful in all areas in a person’s life. The ability to be assertive goes a long way in the development of ability to be genuine in all your relationships, in the development of self-esteem, and in the development of positive self-worth and self-efficacy.

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