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Communication Articles

Communicating and Problem Solving

By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Communication is the exchange of information or ideas between people.  Verbal and non-verbal delivery of thoughts, data, emotions, and direction are necessary for establishing and maintaining relationships.  Effective communication is vital in sharing information, making decisions, and achieving goals.  We have to be able to deliver information to each other to connect, collaborate, and cooperate.  

Articulation is essential for success in all aspects of life, from personal relationships to professional interactions.  Communicating well with others allows us to express their thoughts and feelings, build trust, foster understanding, and achieve positive outcomes.

 

Communication involves oral, written, and non-verbal components to convey a message or meaning.  Proficient communication behaviors make it more likely that the message sent is the same message received.  Although that seems simple enough, effective communication can be challenging.  Communication is a multifaceted process where any number of things can go awry.

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The ability to effectively convey your message and understand others' perspectives is an essential skill that creates the foundation for building trust, understanding, and developing solid relationships.  It is a vital aspect of human life as it is how we connect and build relationships with others.  Communication difficulties negatively affect relationships and interfere with problem-solving, but by developing competence in communication skills, we can improve our relationships, resolve conflicts, and create healthier environments.

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Negative Patterns Undermine
Emotional Closeness in Marriage
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

There are so many elements competing for our attention daily that it is easy for various demands to undermine our most important relationship. When faced with conflicting priorities among essential relationships, the impossibility of meeting everyone's expectations leads to feelings of overwhelm, resentment, and guilt. It undermines self-confidence and self-esteem, creating irritability and even emotional withdrawal as a way of coping with stress, insecurities, and internal struggles.

We all expect marriage to be a place where we can openly discuss our concerns and feelings, where our partner listens without judgment or defensiveness, and gives us loving reassurance. Intention does not always produce the desired results.

Sometimes, the blanket acceptance we seek is not available. Instead, insecurity often prevents us from asking for what we need in a way that does not promote insecurity in the other person. Perhaps we try to protect ourselves by being indirect and demanding rather than requesting, criticizing and complaining, rather than taking an emotional risk to say what we want, feel, or need plainly. The other person's issues, filters, and insecurities may interact with our inept communication attempts. The results often involve resentment, arguments, or punitive behaviors, leading to a cycle of hurt and punishment.

Couples often personalize their partner's requests as complaints, blame, and criticism instead of viewing them as a desire for something they want or need. Defensive responses have the impact of hiding the request and impeding any effort for remedy. Eventually, when the couple attempts to meet their needs by communicating them, every interaction becomes negative, anticipating more hurt and a lack of support, thus discouraging vulnerability with the other person.

When the relationship feels like every person is looking out for themselves, it's easy to feel hopeless about its future. It may seem impossible to break free from the cycle of hurt. Both partners try desperately to make themselves heard, but in doing so, they fail to listen to each other. Each feels misunderstood and unimportant, leading to a loss of connection and identity as a couple.

Repairing closeness requires giving and taking, which sometimes means prioritizing the other person's feelings and needs over one's own at that moment. It involves pausing the demand to be understood and instead actively listening and seeking to understand the partner. Being willing to let down one's defenses and focus on mutual understanding can restore emotional closeness in marriage.
Note: This article has been revised and edited from its original version, which was previously published on this site in 2011.  The Content has been updated for contemporary language, clarity, and accuracy.

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How to De-Escalate an Argument

By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

 

Many couples fall into a dysfunctional pattern of escalating conflicts and withdrawing as they try to address problems and issues in their lives. Every unsuccessful attempt to resolve a problem sets the stage for future discussions. Unresolved issues often persist for years, becoming self-perpetuating.

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A typical scenario involves a couple trying to discuss a relationship issue or problem. As the partners start talking, emotions rise, and soon, they're engaged in a heated argument, resorting to hurtful tactics. Eventually, one storms off while the other feels abandoned and angry. When they try to discuss another conflict later on, even a minor one, the unresolved issue resurfaces, and they pick up where they left off. It's like pausing with a comma in the conversation only to resume the same argument later. Nothing gets resolved.

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Fortunately, it is possible to resolve these issues by creating an emotionally safe environment for both parties. Since you can't force your partner to change, your best bet is to focus on your communication behavior.

A safe environment ensures that emotions remain manageable. It's impossible to solve problems when adrenaline and the need to be understood overshadow your listening ability. Defenses kick in, and neither party hears the other. In effective problem-solving, individuals use a give-and-take approach, where everyone feels safe expressing their perceptions and feelings, knowing that others listen to them. While replacing old communication patterns may take time and practice, it's achievable by using techniques such as "I" messages instead of "You" messages, employing a basic problem-solving model, and de-escalating the discussion when necessary. (See Fair Fight Tactics: A Brief Lesson.) 

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Many couples have seen each other through "angry-colored glasses" for so long that it takes several attempts to resolve even the most straightforward conflicts using fair-fight tactics. With the help of de-escalation techniques, however, success is eventually attainable. Below are some de-escalation techniques that many couples find helpful:

  1. Focus on one problem at a time.

  2. Return to the identified problem.

  3. Use "I" statements instead of "You" statements.

  4. Remind yourself of the conversation's goal: Do you want to solve a problem? Assess if your communication behavior supports this goal; if not, regroup and change tactics.

  5. Seek to understand your spouse's perspective rather than solely explaining your own.

  6. Accept that disagreements on details are normal; agreeing on every aspect to solve a problem is not essential.

  7. Monitor your physiological responses; relax your body and take deep breaths.

  8. Practice reflective listening to ensure you've understood your spouse's message.

  9. Control your responses regardless of your spouse's actions; refrain from saying it if it doesn't contribute to problem-solving.

  10. Use humor appropriately to de-escalate; avoid using it as a dirty fight tactic or distraction from conflicts.

  11. Take a time-out with an agreed-upon return time; ensure you follow through to resume problem-solving.

  12. Couples can navigate conflicts more effectively and create lasting resolutions by employing these techniques. 

Note: This article has been revised and edited from its original version, which was previously published on this site in 2010.  The Content has been updated for contemporary language, clarity, and accuracy.

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"Those Pesky Filters!"

By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.


A paradigm is a perspective or framework through which we view the world. Most of us don't realize that we have our unique ways of perceiving things unless something prompts us to question it. We often judge others and events based on our own experiences, shaping what we believe should or shouldn't be. These beliefs stem from our paradigms.


When two people enter into a marriage, they bring their own unique experiences and perceptions with them. Each person has their way of interpreting and assigning meaning to these experiences, which I refer to as "filters." Each individual's life experiences, personality traits, attitudes, and other factors determine their filters.


Our filters influence how we take in information and can significantly impact our relationships. When we assume our perspective is the only valid one, it creates communication and relationship issues. There is no "right" or "correct" set of expectations about marriage, partner behavior, conflict resolution behavior, or values. Instead, there is much variety among individuals on these expectations. Partners often expect their views to be shared and may misunderstand or judge deviations from their expectations as "wrong."


Many couples believe they understand their partner's intentions perfectly, but interpretations can differ widely. It's essential to recognize that everyone has their own reality and perspective. Healthy relationships necessitate acknowledgment and understanding of our partner's worldview.


Our egocentric view often leads us to misinterpret our partner's actions and intentions. Questioning our assumptions can help us comprehend our partner's filters, allowing us to grant them the benefit of the doubt regarding their motives and intentions.

In counseling, couples often struggle because they're entrenched in their unique perspectives, unable to see the other's point of view. Couples give up on resolving issues, leading to dissatisfaction and, in some cases, the end of the relationship. Understanding each other's perspectives is crucial for solving marital problems and improving communication. Couples can identify and neutralize their filters with guidance and practice, leading to healthier communication and interactions. Awareness of our filters allows us to challenge distorted thinking patterns and avoid unnecessary emotional pain or misunderstandings. By empathizing with our partner's viewpoint, we can communicate more effectively and tackle relationship issues. 
Note: This article has been revised and edited from its original version, which was previously published on this site in 2013.  The Content has been updated for contemporary language, clarity, and accuracy.

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More Communication Articles
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.


To access these articles, click on the article title to open a PDF. You may save or print them. When sharing, please remember to provide proper attribution to both the author and this website. Editing or republishing is not allowed.

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The Civility Challenge: How to Improve Communication and Problem-Solving in Your Marriage

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The Excuses Worksheet

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Resolving Relationship Conflict By First Taking Personal Responsibility for Your Part

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Using “I” Messages to Get Your Point
Across and Be Heard


Learning to Listen Well For Good Relationship Skills

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Empathy, Self-Awareness, and Communication: Navigating Emotional Boundaries

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Explanations of Partner Behavior Makes
All The Difference in Marital Happiness

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Explanation for Partner Behavior Worksheet

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Accepting the Challenge: Understanding Others' Emotional Responses In Relationships

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Communication: Setting the Stage for
Effective Communication With Your Loved Ones

 

Using a Road Trip To Strengthen
Couple Communication


Moving Beyond Deadlock:
Breaking Out of Old Marital Conflicts

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Escaping the Pac-Man Dance: A Blueprint for Relationship Liberation


Reviving the Flame: A Guide to Rediscovering Intimacy In Your Relationship

How to De-Escalate When You Can't De-Escalate

 

Dirty Fight Tactics Worksheet

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The Honey Jar As a Starting Point to improve Your Communication

 

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