Families just don't know what to do with themselves when the designated alcoholic or addict gets sober. The first year of recovery is a time of confusion, joy, fear, anger, sadness, happiness-in short a full range of emotion. Most families don't what know to expect in that first year. They know the addict has gotten sober and that something has changed in the system. They know, too, that they are expected to change. But they may not be sure how they are supposed to be changing and what they are supposed to be doing differently.  
 
Before treatment and recovery, there were "Don't Trust, Don't Talk, Don't Feel" rules. Now, it seems that they are being encouraged by everyone to talk about feelings. Spouses may not trust the recovering alcoholic/addict with their feelings. They may be concerned that their feelings will be used against them. They may expect old behavior from the addict. Children will also have "trust issues", but they may not have even learned how to identify their feelings. They may have experienced the other parent making excuses for the addict when they tried to say how they felt about the drunken parent's behavior. They may also be fearful of the reactions to their feelings by one or both parents. 
 
For the addict in recovery, there is a new awareness that alcoholics and addicts used their drugs of choice to not experience their feelings or to not have to deal with them. Addicts (and their family members) learn that dealing with feelings appropriately is a necessary coping skill for ongoing sobriety. They are taught that feelings should be dealt with in an open, honest manner, and that recovering people should take risks by telling others how they feel. They are taught some basic communication skills in their counseling experiences and advised to "practice, practice, practice."
 
One of the most helpful tools to gain skill at identifying, owning, expressing, and working through feelings is to have routine Family Feelings Meetings. They are a great tool for continuing the development of positive communication skills within the family and eliminating old, counter-therapeutic conflict-oriented techniques. Feelings Meetings for Couples use the same guidelines. These daily sharing meetings are recommended for couples, for about 15 minutes every day at the same time daily. Family feelings sharing times (with the whole nuclear family) could be held weekly, again at the same time during the week. The amount of time you spend in this communication skills building get-together will have to be worked out according to size of family and age of kids.  If you make a time "sacred" (same time, same place, each day/week) for your feelings meetings, you are more likely to follow through with it. The more you practice, the better you get. 
  
Here are the guidelines for a Family Feelings Meeting:
1. In Feelings Meetings, every one is equal.  Everyone gets to share. 
2. Each person's feelings are just as important as the others' feelings.  All feelings are allowable. 
3. Appropriate expression of negative feelings may need guidance.
4. Have structure; get a gavel and make it semi-formal to generate interest with the kids.
5. Allow children to take turns leading the meeting as soon as maturity level permits.  Let the kids call the meeting to order and call on family members to share feelings.
6. Let the kids have their feelings. Try not to "kiss it and make it better". Validate their feelings by relating a time you felt that way or that you can see why they would feel that way.
7. Don't use feelings meetings as a problem solving session.  Set a separate time for "executive sessions" to work through problems using fair fight tactics.
8. Accept others' feelings. Don't try to take them away or fix them. That's not your job.
9. Use lots of "I" messages and avoid "You" messages.
10. Talk only about yourself.
11. Practice active listening techniques.  That means feeding back what you heard (i.e, "What I hear you saying is...")
11.  Use these Feelings words--fear, anger, shame, guilt, hurt, sad, lonely, helpless, joy.
12.  "I feel as if...", "I feel that...." are not feelings statements.  They are "thinking statements". 

So, you feel like something is missing from your relationship.  It seems like you stay busy all the time and spend very little quality time with your spouse.  It's not that you are angry with each other, or that you have fallen out of love with each other.  It seems that you never really get around to devoting time for each other and talking about how important you are to one another.

 7.  Improving Your Relationship by Setting
Aside Special Communication Time
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Sometimes it is like the relationship gets lost in the process of living day to day and you spend all your energy taking care of all the details of that life.  You might think about it occasionally and yearn for more communication with your beloved.  You entertain the notion of actually sitting down and talking about feelings and your thoughts about the nature of your relationship.  You used to talk about goals, dreams, ambitions, feelings, and things that happened when you were young.  You used to make plans about vacations, and dreamy days spent together, just "being" and loving each other.

 

You may have even made some effort at having a date night, only to find that the conversation was short lived and that you rather quickly resorted to the "weather report", the "kids report", and the "chores list".  After a while the date nights didn't seem worth the bother.  Maybe you are just a little bored with your relationship.  Maybe you feel like you have just drifted away from each other.  You probably can't even remember when you stopped really having fun together and started "sleep-walking" through your marriage.

 

When it feels like your marriage is on "automatic" there are some things you can do to change that.  If in the past, when you have carved out time to spend together, but struggled to find something out of the ordinary to talk about, you can take it one step further.  There are some things that you can do to "jump start" the interest and passion in your marriage.  You can rekindle the spark by carving out a "special time" for your relationship?and making it a priority.

 

If you set aside a specific time each day or each week for couple communication or for relationship enrichment experiences, you will find your efforts worthwhile.  There are a number of different ways that you can open up the lines of communication and bridge the gap between you and your loved one.  There are couples enrichment weekends that are sponsored by local churches, and structured or semi-structured communication exercises such as "Couples Feelings Meetings" and "The Honey Jar".

 

The "Honey Jar" is a conversation starter for couples, that assists in opening up those lines of communication and restoring the sense of "Us" that may be eroding. It consists of sentence stems, printed separately on business-type cards, and fitting neatly into a one quart mason jar thus "The Honey Jar". It is designed to generate conversation about oneself and about the relationship in a non-threatening way. It has been found to be very helpful to couples at any stage of their committed relationship.

 

A simple communication exercise that is established as a "Sacred event" can be tremendously helpful in assisting in creating the desired changes in your relationship.  "Sacred event" can be defined as something over which nothing else takes priority.  You decide on the day(s), time and place for the get together and let nothing derail you from spending this time together in sharing.  An open, healthy, vital relationship benefits from such communication time, with that proverbial "ounce of prevention" outperforming the "pound of cure".

 

When spouses feel taken for granted, unimportant, shoved aside, or even bored with their spouse, these feelings can set the marriage up for conflict, a mindset of negative perceptions, hostility, rigidity, infidelity, and even divorce.  A marriage can be revitalized before it gets into big trouble by simply restoring open, caring, interested communication.  Something so simple can restore a sense of partnership and renewed interest in the relationship.  You can purchase the Honey Jar at http:www.honeyjarcommunications.com

 

8.  Paying Attention to Your Empty Nesting Relationship
By Improving Your Communication Skills
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Many people experience a tremendous sense of let down around the time of the last child leaving home.  One or both parents can feel a loss of identity, a loss of structure or focus, and sense of the family breaking down.  One or both can feel lonely and depressed.

 

Each spouse may be trying to unilaterally deal with this novel experience.  They may have long ago stopped confiding in each other about their inner experiences and may feel foolish or fearful of sharing what they are going through with their partner.  The marriage may have been focused on raising kids and the identity of "Us" may have only included the parents and kids, having lost the sense of "us" as a marital partnership years ago.  The marital identity may be all but lost.  Each may feel alienated from the other partner.

 

Now that the kids are gone, they may develop a heightened sense of awareness of each other and feel awkward, not knowing what the other is thinking or feeling, and wondering if he/she is as lost.  They may each be anxious about what to do with the time they used to spend focused on kids, and wonder if they will be expected to spend it with the spouse.  If they are expected to pay attention to the spouse now, what should they do?  Do they have anything in common, really?  They may be getting nervous about the idea of too much time together.  They will be pressed to talk.  What will they talk about?  Is there anything left of the relationship?  Without the kids and their activities, will they sit in silence looking at each other?

 

Now that the kids are gone, they have all this privacy.  Will they be expected to change in their sex life?  Will the partner expect some new intimacy that you don't feel.  What if you don't know what you feel about your marriage and about your partner.  You keep hearing that marriages break up after the kids leave home.  Since you have been focusing on the kids, their absence can sure show the signs of weakness or vulnerability in the marriage.  There are things you have been avoiding dealing with the in marriage for decades.  You may feel despair about having to deal with those issues now.

 

On the other hand you may feel a sense of exhilaration about getting to spend the next half of your life with just you and your spouse.  You have a new freedom to enjoy your spouse, and the time to do it now that the kids are gone.  You want the closeness and the attention and may fear that the spouse wants the distance and diversion of other things.  You don't know what he/she is thinking or feeling, but you want to devote the time and energy to get to know each other again.  You want to rekindle the love and passion that you once had, and don't know how to get there from here.  You look at the years that you probably have left together and want to start making some new plans and goals.  You are in a transition phase and life with your honey is about to get really interesting.

 

Sometimes when you have been married a long time, the conversation between you and your beloved can get stale or you just run out of things to talk about. It can sometimes be difficult to get the conversational ball rolling again.  To not only help you make that transition to a new life together, but to also assist you in re-connecting, get some help to help smooth out the transition.  Marital counseling or marital enrichment weekends, couple communication exercises, or marriage counseling can assist you.  Local churches often sponsor or present marital enrichment groups, weekends, or retreats.  Couple communication exercises can involve a daily Couple's Feelings Meeting, or a semi-structured exercise like "The Honey Jar"

 

Recommendations for A daily Couple's Feelings Meeting:
Set aside time daily for talking about feelings.  This time should be regarded as a "Sacred time" so that nothing gets scheduled in its place. 
Fifteen minutes a day could be an appropriate starting place.  
Each partner takes turns, telling about the events of the day (in summary) and feelings that s/he has either about those events or others.
Discussion of feelings should involve "I" messages and not "You" messages.
Couple's feelings meetings should be not used as a problem solving session, but rather a daily opportunity to share the emotional experiences of your life.
It is important to accept the other person's feelings and to not try to take them away or fix them. Practice active listening techniques such as, "What I hear you saying is..."
Use this feelings list:
   fear
   anger
   shame
   guilt
   sad
   lonely
   helpless
   joy.
Statements like "I feel like...", "I feel as if ...", "I feel that you..." are thinking statements disguised as feelings statements.  It is ok to say what you think.  It is important to differentiate between thoughts and feelings.

 

9.  Improving Marital Happiness Through 
Quality Time Together and Good Communication Skills
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Being in a committed relationship is something that most people prize.  Most people believe that they will marry and stay married.  When you ask people what they want from their marriage, they list trust, love, respect, honesty, and faithfulness, among other attributes.  The bottom line is that they just want "to be happy" in their marriage.

 

But what does that really mean?  Many couples that come in for counseling say they have love, respect, honesty, commitment, and faithfulness (as well as other positive characteristics), but that one or both are just not happy.  What does it take for a marriage to be a happy one?

 

Much of the time, one primary characteristic that is missing is that of meaningful interaction.  Although couples are engaged in all kinds of interaction throughout their normal day, being actively engaged in nurturing or maintaining their relationship is not something that happens a lot.  When both parties are feeling important, loved, and secure in the relationship, active attention to the relationship may not feel important.  It becomes more important as one or both partners do not "feel" loved or important to the other.  The need for active engagement and nurturance of the relationship is apparent when a partner complains that they "do not communicate" and do not spend enough "quality" time together

 

They often already know the problem and presumably how to fix it, but cannot seem to get started with enacting their solution.  One of the stumbling blocks to being able to effectively bridge the gap and nurture the relationship is that each individual has made some attempts in his or her own individual way, but felt discouraged when it did not receive the desired response or effect.  Another of the missing pieces of this puzzle is that they have different communication agendas.  They have different ways that they want to be shown love.  Their ideas about what they want communicated are different.  And there is great diversity in what "quality time together" means.

 

Attempts to solve the problem fail as one or both partners set out to fix the situation by giving to the partner what s/he wants from communication or time together.  Since the partners want something other than what is being given, they stay frustrated.  They are frustrated not only about still not getting what they are wanting but also about trying and not having their efforts recognized by the partner.

 

Sometimes partners repeatedly tell the other what they want or need to feel loved, appreciated, and important, and the partner will make some brief attempts to comply.  The partner that has been complaining and trying to negotiate for change, feels more frustrated and angry when the other partner returns to his/her former behavior.  The meaning often given for this return to old behavior is that s/he really does not care.

 

The more conflicted that couples become over relationship needs, the more difficult it becomes to solve problems, to neutralize or recover from negative events, and to generate positive feelings and positive assumptions about relationship events.  When conditions get to this point, couples engage in the types of problem solving behaviors that are virtually guaranteed to maintain the conflict and negative feelings.  They often engage in destructive communication patterns where the arguing escalates to a point of anger and verbal violence or to where one partner repeatedly tries to engage and the other repeatedly avoids engagement and conflict.

 

Sometimes in order to break out of the negative cycle of conflict and pain, couples must return to the basics, with a step back out of the militarized zone, into basic communication and working on simply being "nice" to each other.  Practicing the same common courtesy with your partner that you would with a total stranger can go a long way to re-establish emotional neutrality, and pave the way for a return to personal "risk taking" in communicating and problem solving.

 

Simple, basic communication behaviors such as moving from "You" messages to "I" messages can change the whole tone of conversations, reduce defensiveness, and improve the ability to actually "hear" what the other person is saying.  Use of active listening and asking clarifying questions also helps to bridge the emotional chasm and restore civility.

 

As the pervasive mood of hostility and negativity begins to lift, setting aside a regular time for couple communication and nurturing the relationship can be very effective in restoring those positive feelings and marital happiness.  Communication exercises such as a Couple's Feelings Meeting or The Honey Jar, a couple's conversation starter, can assist couples with getting into a habit of talking and sharing with each other.  When couples are talking and sharing, they are more likely to feel connected, loved, and important to each other.  When they feel these positive feelings, they are better able to handle and resolve the inevitable conflicts that arise.  When partners can communicate and problem solve, and can resolve emotional relationship differences (including defining "quality time together), they can be happy in their marriage.


 

10."The Honey Jar" As A Starting Point
To Improve Your Communication
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

If you are surfing the net looking for some sort of inspiration on how to get the romance in your marriage jump started, there are a number of resources available. What is inspiration, if not a burst of creativity?

You may be sensing that you are drifting away from your spouse or that your marriage is becoming lifeless and operating on automatic. If you have stopped having fun together and think that you just don't have anything to talk about, you can do something that rekindles that spark.

Structured and semi-structured communication exercises can be the vehicle for the desired changes in your marriage. Feeling taken for granted, or bored with your relationship can set the stage for a multitude of marital difficulties.

We have all heard about the ounce of prevention that is much better than the pound of "cure". Revitalizing your marriage through revamping your communication behavior can restore positive feelings, re-engage interest in each other, and renew a sense of partnership?all of which can go a long way in preventing marital discord, infidelity, and dissolution.

And who could not benefit from improving one's ability to listen? One of the factors that fuel circular arguing and dirty fighting is the drive to feel heard and understood. The more compelled that one feels to make himself or herself understood, the less s/he is able to listen to the other person. As s/he becomes more and more demanding, communication behavior gets progressively worse. The longer this process continues, the more likely the result will be that they will not be heard and will not feel understood.

A structured or semi-structured communication exercise, like "The Honey Jar", can reduce some of the anxiety or awkwardness about changing up an interaction pattern. It can feel less threatening or stressful to use a communication exercise. Instead of being on the spot to risk bringing up "touchy" subjects, you gain practice on neutral topics. When couples schedule a time daily or weekly for a communication exercise and make it a "sacred time" where nothing gets scheduled in on top of it, it will become a habit and communication will improve.

The "Honey Jar" is a conversation starter for couples.  It consists of 250 sentence stems, each one serving as an open-ended prompt to discuss one of a number of individual or couple subjects.  It is designed to generate conversation about oneself and about the relationship in a non-threatening way. Although designed to assist couples that have been in the marriage for a long time and who seem to have run out of things to talk about, it has been found to be very helpful to couples at any stage of their committed relationship.

 

The "Honey Jar" can assist most couples with "breaking the ice" to begin to once again share themselves with each other.  Each numbered item is a sentence stem that can spark the revelation of information forgotten and as yet unknown about you or your significant other.    The sentence stems are random in subject and depth.   Some examples of items from The Honey Jar include these:

 

2. I always wanted to...

 

6. I wish we would talk more about...

 

7. The main thing about me is...

 

108.  I like it when you...

 

113.  I sometimes feel guilty about...

 

175.  When I look across the room at you, I feel...

 

198.  The biggest influences on my life...

 

226.  I want a hug when...

 

235.  You know I need time alone when...

 

245.  One of the most valuable things my father ever told me...

Pick a good communication exercise, like "The Honey Jar" and get started today.

Peggy's note:  You can purchase and download your copy today on the Services Provided page or at http://www.honeyjarcommunications.com



11.Improving Your Listening Abilities to Boost Your Communication Skills
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

 

Good listening skills are important to a relationship. Although most people have heard of "active listening", the definition of active listening is a source of confusion for many people. Sometimes called "reflective listening", active listening involves making sure that you heard what was said by repeating it back. Consciously listening to the other person to make sure that you heard what they actually said is reflected in these various terms.

Active listening is one of the first things that you need to learn to change how you communicate with your spouse. Many times, the core of the communicational problems lie with listening.

You cannot effectively communicate with your significant others is you cannot accurately "hear" what is being said. There is no effective communication without effective listening. Without good communication skills, there are no effecive problem solving skills.

An absence of effectively listening, means that the message sent or intended is not the same message as the one received by the listener. Although this may happen for a lot of reasons, a simple absence of listening, is a major culprit.

A number of things can get in the way of good listening including assumptions that tells the listener that s/he does not need to listen past a certain point, a failure to pay attention or succumbing to distractions, and rehearsing what your response will be. The listener may assume that he/she knows what the other is going to say, and may thus attend to just enough of the message to confirm his/her belief. At other times, a listener may be tuning out what the other person is saying while s/he tries to come with his or her rebuttal. Both of these scenarios are setups for the condition where couples dig themselves in deeper and deeper trying to be understood and not realizing that neither is hearing what is actually said.

What often appears to be focus or attention difficulties are merely lack of listening. Partners fail to listen deliberately or non-deliberately. To listen well, follow these suggestions:

1. Pay close attention to what is going on.
2. Concentrate on what they are saying.
3. Maintain eye contact without staring.
4. Don't interrupt.
5. Don't worry about what you are going to say until s/he is finished.
6. Practice active listening.

Perceptual "filters" color your intake of information in your interactions and in your environment. These filters are made up of your own experiences, beliefs, attitudes, mood states, and relationship events. Your filters are uniquely your own. The more impact that those events or factors that have created your filters, the long lasting and influential those filters will be on current relationship events. Active listening assists couples in "neutralizing" some of the impact of those filters and allows for more accurate perception in the present.

You can improve your ability to listen by practicing reflective listening. You can begin to override your filters by using this technique and by looking at the assumptions that you have been making about what is being said and looking for patterns. Some people have filters about abandonment fears. Others are ultra-sensitive to criticism.

The phrase, "What I hear you saying is...." is one example of an active listening technique. Other clarifying questions could serve as active listening. When you clarify a message, you are trying to confirm that the message sent and the message received are the same message.

Sometimes the process can still get derailed when the paraphrased "what I heard you saying" message is met with "that is not what I said", and then an argument ensues over which one is correct. Couples get derailed by arguing about what was actually said or not said in the first place. This is easily remedied by each person first and foremost 's messages. It helps to not concern yourself about who is right and who is wrong. A good phrase to remember for this situation is, "actually, what I intended to say was..."

Reflective listening feels awkward, unnatural, odd, stiff, and just plain weird. It does however, have a number of benefits that make it worth practicing and learning. Some of those are the fact that you can eliminate most of your arguments by making sure that the message that is received is the one that was sent.

Another is the fact that by carefully clarifying messages, you can discover your own themes in filters that color how you take in the contemporary events in your life. Once you identify your sensitivity to certain messages and themes, some of the power of those filters can be neutralized. If you know that you are sensitive to abandonment messages, you don't have to panic when your partner says, "I'm starting to get angry in this discussion. I'm going to take a break and go to the store." In the past, instead of hearing that, you might have heard "I'm mad at you and I'm leaving you". If you have identified abandonment fear as a filter and your partner leaves in the middle of an argument, you can reassure yourself that your partner did not say that s/he was leaving you forever.

When you can actually hear what is being said in your conversations, you are less likely to engage in circular arguing, with each volley of verbal assaults setting up more miscommunication.

Communication exercises and training that have an active listening component are especially helpful.

 

The Importance of Communication In
Regaining The Closeness In Your Marriage
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

The ability to convey love, affection, and commitment rests on the ability to effectively communicate and problem solve.

Without appropriate communication, relationships struggle to maintain the affection, the connection, and the sense of belonging and acceptance that are so important to all individuals.

With around half of all marriages ending in divorce, it is especially important to take steps to maintain the individual and family benefits of a marriage. A pro-active stance in maintaining the good will, good feelings, and individual happiness of partners goes a long way toward keeping marital stability.

The least vulnerable marriage is one in which both partners are satisfied. Both partners in a marriage must be happy or the marriage is vulnerable.

One of the major causes of divorce is conflict and ineffective communication/problem solving. Another is infidelity. Both of these problem areas for couples can be fixed or prevented.

Many couples believe that they have good communication, yet find themselves falling short of their own expectations when the conversation gets heated. Sometimes couples believe that they communicate well, when in fact, they spend very little time together, and even less, actually interacting with each other.

Often one partner will want and need more interaction and communication time while the other needs less, which puts their needs in conflict. When couples don't know that they are trying to solve problems on two different levels, unresolved relationship issues are often projected onto seemingly unrelated problems. So, instead of talking about not feeling loved enough, feeling taken for granted, or feeling unimportant, a couple will end up arguing about taking out the trash. Taking out the trash is the issue for one partner. To the other, the meaning of repeatedly asking someone to take out the trash, means "s/he doesn't love me" or "I'm not important".

When you identify that you need more quality time together, without distrations, and you take action to accomplish this goal, good things begin to happen.

Partners, secure in their commitment, feel confident in their ability to weather the changes that their marriage will go through over time. Change leads to stress. Individual partners experience shared stressors and individual stressors. Couples can use the relationship as a strength to deal with shared and individual stressors, or they can individually problem solve and try to sell their individual solutions to each other, thereby setting themselves up for more conflict and more stress. Effective communication makes it easier for couples to help and support each other with stress.

There are many ways to learn to effectively communicate. Couples counseling, marital enrichment programs, and structured or semi-structured communication exercises are all possibilities.

One of the common goals of couples counseling is to learn to identify when you are trying to problem solve on different levels, and how to move to the same level for solutions. Couple's Feelings Meetings and The Honey Jar, a couple's conversation starter, are examples of helpful communication exercises.

If you are a spouse or a couple trying to recover the positive feelings you once had in your relationship, take action. It is not a good idea to do nothing, hoping that something will change. Change is inevitable, but it may not be the type of change you are hoping for.