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Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
Licensed Marriage/Family Therapist
Licensed Alcohol/Drug Counselor
405-707-9600
www.peggyferguson.com
peggyferguson@hotmail.com

Articles on Couple Communication by Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

To access the articles, just click on the title of the article. It will open in a separate word document that can be saved to your computer and/or printed off. All articles are copyrighted. We welcome you to use them for your own information and to share them with others as long as you cite my authorship, provide website information/link, and do not edit them.

Table of Contents

New: Setting Aside Time and Energy For Your MarriageCan Repair the Emotional Erosion
New: How To De-escalate An Argument When You Can't De-escalate
Fair Fight Tactics (Refrigerator List)
New: The Dirty Fight Tactics Worksheet
New: Using Cognitive Therapy to Change Your Marriage
New: Moving Beyond Deadlock
New: Making Sure You Are Talking About The Same Thing
Working Through Feelings in Addiction Recovery
A Tutorial For Identifying Feelings
Communication: Setting the Stage for Effective Communication With Your Loved Ones
Using "I" Messages to Get Your Point Across and Be Heard
Learning to Listen Well for Good Relationship Skills
Ten Dirty Fight Tactics to Avoid
Ten Steps to Fair Fighting
Twelve Guidelines for Family Feelings Meetings
Improving Your Relationship By Setting Aside Special Communication Time
Paying Attention To Your Empty Nesting Relationship By Improving Your Communication Skills
Improving Marital Happiness Through Quality Time Together and Communication Skills
The Honey Jar As A Starting Point To Improve Your Communication
Improving Your Listening Abilities to Boost Your Communication Skills

Predicting Your Own Divorce:
Why You Should Never Use the D-Word

By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

If you want to give your marriage a chance to recover from whatever is bothering you at the moment, don't use the D-word. Don't say, "I want a divorce" in the heat of an argument. Don't use it as a punishment, a threat, a dirty fight tactic, or as a joke. When you do, you are setting the stage for that very thing to come true. To read the rest of this article, follow this link: Predicting Your Own Divorce: Why You Should Never Use the D-Word

When you want to solve some important relationship or logistics issue, you help assist help ensure your effectiveness by appropriately setting the stage for communication. Remember these guidelines while trying to solve a problem in your relationship.

1. Think about what you want to say beforehand. Make sure that the issue that you are getting ready to bring up is actually the one you want to problem solve about. One of the causes of couples struggling in problem-solving is that they are working on different issues. A common example is one where couples are in conflict over some logistic issue like taking out the trash. One partner may actually be talking about the trash as an issue and the other is trying to problem solve about not feeling loved, and his/her not taking out the trash is a trigger for feeling that.

2. Identify a good time for a long discussion. Find a time slot that gives you enough time to work through a problem. Find a time when you won't be interrupted. Turn off diversionary electronics.

3. Be prepared to listen to your significant other's point of view and to compromise on a solution. Use active or reflectively listening when your partner is making their case. Reflective listening is simply telling the other person what you heard him/her say, without an editorial comment. Don't defend or argue with their perception of events.

4. Use "I" messages instead of "You" messages. Start conversations with "I". "I have a problem that I would like to discuss. Use "I want, "I need", "I feel", and "I will".

5. Avoid absolutes like "always" and "never". Give specific examples like this: "Yesterday when you said that you didn't want to go to my mother's house, I felt disappointed, hurt, and angry". Not, "You never want to go to my parents' and you just don't care that it hurts my feelings or that I am angry about it!"

6. Stay on topic. Don't use Dirty Fight Tactics.

7. De-escalate as needed. De-escalation is about bringing down the emotional level of a conversation. You cannot problem-solve, when tempers are flaring and you are using dirty fight tactics. When you feel compelled to use a dirty fight tactic, your blood pressure is rising or your temper is coming up, you know that it is time to de-escalate.

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Copyright: Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D., 116 W. 7^th, Suite 211, Stillwater, OK 74074, phone 405-707-9600, fax 405-707-9601, email peggyferguson@hotmail.com, http://www.peggyferguson..com

Serving Stillwater (74074, 74075, 74076), Perry (73077), Perkins (74059), Cushing (74023), Pawnee (74058), Guthrie (73044), Ponca City (74601, 74602, 74604), Morrison (73061), and other local communities.

Providing services for Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, Chemical Dependency, Sex Addiction, Mental Health Issues, Depression, Anxiety, Stress Management, Addiction Recovery, Drug Abuse, Spouse of sex addict, Relapse prevention, Drug cravings, Family Business Issues, Couple Money Issues, Co-dependency, Adult Children of Alcoholism Issues, Cross-addiction, Co-occurring disorders, marital family therapy, marriage family counseling, step-parenting, step-family issues, couple money issues, grief, mid-life issues, infidelity. Providing individual, group, marriage, family, and couples sessions. Providing professional supervision and training and consultation services.