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Articles on Marriage
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Table of Contents

New:  The Valentine's Day Gift That Keeps On Giving
           Before You Divorce - Read this!

Counseling
             1.  Premarital Counseling
                                                     
             2. Benefits of Marriage Counseling:    Ten Relationship
                 Skills You Can Gain From Marriage Counseling
                   
             3.  Why Seek Marriage Counseling:
                  Whether High Conflict or No Energy Left, 
                  Marriage Counseling Can Help

Infidelity
             4.  Your Spouse's Infidelity Revealed - Of Course You
                  Are Angry and Scared - P1     

             5.  Your Spouse's Infidelity Revealed - Getting Over the
                  Shock and Getting to Recovery  P2

             6.  Marital Infidelity:  Are CyberAffairs Infidelity?  
                  Are Internet Relationships Cheating?

Intimacy

            7.  If the Obamas Can Do It, So Can You -
                 3 Easy Steps to Having A Date Night
     
            8.  Learning the Secret of Establishing True
                 Intimacy In Your Relationship

            9.  Eight Super Simple Things You Can Do Today
                 To Begin To Restore Intimacy To Your Marriage

           10.  Restore the Interest and Intimacy to Your Lifeless Marriage

General

           1.  Six Guidelines For Developing Patience and Tolerance For
                  Your Family During the Holidays

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New:

The Valentine's Day Gift That Keeps On Giving
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

The very best gift to give your beloved for Valentine's Day is your time and attention.  If you have gotten into the rut of giving a card, roses or chocolates (if you give anything at all), you may have become complacent in your most important relationship.  It is easy to settle into a boring, but comfortable routine of work, dinner, tv, bed, and start all over again the next day.  Very little real interaction takes place between you and your spouse.  If couples want to have a healthy marriage and avoid marriage trouble, the best course of action to take is to pay attention to the marital relationship and not take it for granted.

 

Couples that are settled into a stable marital relationship that has become stale can utilize Valentine's Day and February as a romantic backdrop to develop their own marriage enhancement initiative.  By deliberately attending to their marriage, a couple can re-invigorate and revitalize the energy in their relationship.  They can rediscover the romance and the connected sense of "us".  This can be accomplished by following the marital advice of devoting time and attention to the relationship. 

 

An initial focus of these marriage enrichment efforts could be well spent by defining and dedicating a special time to communicating with one another.  Many times when we hear about couple communication, we automatically think of learning how to fight fair, learning to problem solve effectively, or learning how to listen.  All these things are involved in couple communication.  However, much of the important relationship interactions that feed the positive feelings in a relationship are the neutral, supportive, or "just connecting" types of communication.  These can include holding hands, talking about shared experiences, kind and simple gestures that you do for each other, sharing something you learned or are thinking about, planning for the future, etc.  All communication is not conflict oriented.  Having fun together goes a long way to restoring positive feelings and a sense of connection and avoiding marriage trouble.   

 

Sometimes when a lot of time has passed without significant interaction in a relationship, it may take a conscious, deliberate attempt to get past the awkwardness to set aside a "sacred time" to devote to the relationship.  Yet, to do so, marks the first step in restoration of positive feelings and building or restoring the good marriage.  Marriage enrichment approaches might involve a “date night”, or a couples' communication exercises like a couples’ daily feelings meetings or a semi-structured format like “The Honey Jar".  It could also involve a formal marital enrichment program or weekend, or couples’ counseling.

 

When the communication starts rolling again you may discover couple activities that you want to do together, and initiate a routine of those activities (i.e., ball room dance lessons, community little theater involvement, fishing, etc.).  Relationships where partners share similar interests, spend time together, and routinely communicate and problem solve tend to have higher marital satisfaction and marital stability over time. 

 

Good things begin to happen in a marriage when couples devote deliberate, conscious attention to the relationship.  Partners who dedicate a time for the relationship usually find that the cohesion and commitment in the relationship are strengthened..  Couples, secure in their commitment and in their perception of being loved and supported, tend to feel confident in their ability to weather the changes that their marriage will go through over time.  When you are in a happy vs. distressed marriage, not only your emotional health, but even your physical health is likely to be better.

Peggy's Note:  The Honey Jar, a couple's communication conversation starter can be purchased and downloaded on the Services Provided page. 

  .New

Before You Divorce - Read This!
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

January and February seem to be a common time for people to get divorced.  While many conflicted and combative couples may have stayed together through the holidays to not disappoint the kids or the extended family members, or have not had the money to get divorced before now, others who find themselves divorced at this time, may have not even been thinking about divorce, until they began to feel discouraged, disappointed, and disenchanted after the holidays.  While there are very good reasons for divorce, personal unhappiness may not be caused by your marriage and divorce may not be the solution.  

It is unlikely that your marriage is the source of all of your unhappiness.  However, your marriage may be on life support or may even be lifeless.  If you are not being verbally, emotionally, sexually, or physically abused, but still feel flat and empty, the source of your distress may involve other factors besides your marriage.  It is easy to attribute the source of your distress to the marriage when you feel taken for granted, held back, or neglected.  It is easier to look outside the self, instead of inside.  Many people focus their disappointment, sadness, and anger on their relationships.

It is relatively easy to identify disappointments in your relationship.  This sense that something is missing, yet not knowing the identity of that something may lead you to conclude that "I'm just not happy".  It is convenient to expect your spouse and kids to make you happy, but in reality, happiness is an inside job and you are responsible for making yourself happy. 

When you are trying to get to the root of your unhappiness, you may be asking yourself what you have to be miserable about.  You don't really argue or fight with your spouse, although you do seem to stay busy all the time and not really make time for each other.  While you are not feeling loved or appreciated, you probably are not making the effort to show your spouse that you love and appreciate him/her either, or to even talk about your needs in the relationship.

If you look really close, you may discover that you are not taking time for your own self care either.  Maybe you have a vague desire to exercise more, improve your grooming routine, pay more attention to current events, put together your family pictures, or learn something new.  You have thought about these things but have not made any real effort to get started.  So far, they are just random ideas floating around in your head.  You have not really talked about them.  If you have discussed them with your spouse and s/he didn’t seem interested, that only stood to reaffirm that you are not getting your needs met in this relationship. 

You may also be expecting your spouse to read your mind about what you need and to grant those needs/wishes without being asked.  When you stop talking about what is going on in your life, the gap between the two of you gets wider and wider.  These simple thoughts, dreams, goals, along with feelings, shared memories, and memories that are uniquely yours, may have been the kinds of things that you and your spouse talked about -- way back when you were talking to each other.  Just simple things really--things that connect you in emotionally intimate ways.  Now you keep them to yourself.

If you clue your partner in on the fact that you are not happy, the relationship can serve as a source of support, so that you can regain your sense of happiness or joy.  The emotional closeness that you had can be restored.  Once upon a time, it felt natural to just spend time together, just "being" and loving each other.  These days, you may have to plan for it. 

You may have even made some minor attempts at trying to reconnect.  If in the past, your attempts at “date night” ended up being a superficial recount of the weather, kids, and chores, the routine may have evaporated due to lack of interest.  When your efforts are not working, sometimes you have to do more.  You can begin to reinvest in your own happiness and to reinvest in your life together.  You can start dual, overlapped campaigns.  Someone who is unhappy can begin an earnest effort at improving self care while taking action to revitalize the marriage. The “spark” can be rekindled by carving out a "special time" for your relationship and making it a priority.  Both of these campaigns can reinforce and strengthen each other. 

Telling your partner about your feelings, goals, thoughts, needs, and desires, helps to achieve those goals and reinforces self-efficacy.  Working on yourself gives you more to talk about with your spouse. 

You can invest in yourself and your own happiness while investing in your relationship.  It is not necessarily an “either/or” thing.  Your spouse may not even know that you are unhappy.  There are at least three marriages in a marriage—His, Hers, and the one observed by others.  One partner can feel very happy and secure while the other one is miserable.  The one that feels happy is often completely unaware that his/her partner is getting ready to leave the relationship.

The key to finding your joy is to start communicating.  Communicate with your partner, and communicate with yourself.  Start asking the important questions:  What is missing?  What do I want?  What will make me happy?  What do I need to do to change?  Chances are that a divorce will not make you happy.

If you need help opening up the lines of communication with your partner, setting aside a "Sacred time" (i.e. selecting a time that will take precedence over all conflicting demands), sets up a routine that encourages follow through.  Structured or semi-structured communication exercises such as "Couples Feelings Meetings" and "The Honey Jar" enable you to get started in a neutral way, that also increases the probability of following through.  The "Honey Jar" is a conversation starter for couples, that assists in opening up those lines of communication and restoring the sense of "Us" that may be eroding. "The Honey Jar" helps you start talking again, about yourself and the relationship in a way that is non-threatening.  

 

 

 

1.  Premarriage Counseling is For You
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Bridal fairs, wedding announcements, floral arrangements, mobile music DJs, interviewing caterers - so many things to do to get ready for a wedding. With all the attention to the details to the wedding itself, don't forget to plan for the marriage.

There are a number of options for pre-marriage counseling or marriage education on the internet, through churches, professional counselors, and community initiatives, like Oklahoma Marriage Initiative's (OMI) PREP workshop. In Oklahoma, couples participating in premarital counseling with a Licensed Marriage/Family Therapist and other marriage education programs such as OMI sponsored workshops are eligible for a marriage license discount.

Almost all couples enter into marriage with the belief that they have enough love to allow their marriage to be that one in two that survives rather than ending in divorce. Yet many of these couples believe that "love is enough" to accomplish this. Marriage is work and it takes skills. Yet, chances are, that you have never received any training to be a husband or a wife, except from watching your own parents. And for some couples, this might mean good training. For many others, this kind of training was not so good. Believing that you know what your parents did wrong and planning to do the opposite is not necessarily a good plan either.

Marriage education and/or pre marriage counseling can yield many benefits-even ones that you couldn't guess.

You have a structured format to identify potential problem areas that you may have never even thought about discussing. You may be a assuming that you are already on the same page. (Not a good assumption to make).

You have guidance in identifying potential problem areas and opening up the lines of discussion. You then have help in dealing with those problem areas before they become actual problems.

You have an opportunity to clarify your values, identify some goals and develop a joint vision for your life together.

You can develop enough awareness to be able to continue to identify hidden challenges that could sabotage that vision. The skills you learn can help you keep your vision from being derailed.

You learn such skills as communication, conflict resolution, and problem solving. You can acquire the skill necessary to communicate effectively about money issues and learn how to budget and manage money together. You have an opportunity to identify your hidden and perhaps, unrealistic expectations, and eliminate those before they cause too much damage. You can learn how to help each other manage stress and learn to balance conflicting demands between work, home, and individual needs. You will have an opportunity to identify and understand how your own family history and that of your beloved's can create potential pitfalls, and yet, create opportunities for growth in your own relationship.

"Marital education" and "pre-marriage counseling" are often used synonymously. Marital education may be conducted in a formal group or classroom type setting, or individually by a minister or counselor. It might have all the characteristics of a "class". Pre-marriage counseling usually entails marital education, but adds a therapeutic component where couples are able, with professional assistance, to work through existing problems and issues. Whichever route you choose, marital education and/or pre-marriage counseling is worth the time, energy, and money, to help insure the success and longevity of your marriage. Your wedding will only last a few minutes or a few hours. Hopefully, with deliberate attention, planning, and effort, your marriage will last a lifetime.

2.  Benefits of Marriage Counseling:
Ten Relationship Skills You Can Gain From Marriage Counseling
By Peggy L. Ferguson,  Ph.D.

We are not a high conflict couple but we are not really happy, either. How would we benefit from marital counseling? There are many benefits to marital counseling besides learning how to bring down the emotional level of arguments-although, this too, is a benefit.  
 
Marital counseling with a licensed marriage and family therapist can help your marriage in many ways. It affords you a number of opportunities for change that you would not ordinarily know how to accomplish by yourself. With marriage counseling you will have an opportunity to identify the issues, feelings, and behaviors that are bothering you and to communicate them to your spouse in a safe and supportive environment. 
 
One of the major benefits of marital counseling is the instruction, coaching, and feedback in developing new skills to make changes in your relationship. Skill development often focuses on the following skills areas:
1) communication and problem solving
2) appropriate expression, disclosure, and resolution of painful emotions
3) effective negotiation for change within the relationship
4) acquisition of the ability to work within a partnership to achieve goals
5) development of the ability to engage in consultation and cooperation with family issues such as money management, parenting, lifestyle issues, and stage of life issues.
6) de-escalation of arguments before they get hurtful
7)  identification and elimination of dirty fight tactics.
8) learning and practicing effective problem solving techniques
9) learning and practicing effective ways to start a difficult conversation in a neutral manner.
10. regaining the ability to perceive the positive characteristics in your partner and in your marriage. 
 
When you participate in marriage counseling you have an opportunity to get to know your spouse again. Couples who have been together awhile have a tendency to talk superficially or about things and issues other than themselves. Partners often quit talking about the things they think and feel. 
 
Couples counseling can guide you through your unresolved issues, including the emotional baggage from your family of origin that may be re-created and played out in your current relationship.   You have an opportunity to identify how your prior experiences "color" how you experience your life now, and can learn how to neutralize the negative impact of your histories.  In doing so, you can visualize the relationship that you want, discover how to accomplish it, and begin to work toward your relationship goals. 
 
Your couples counseling should last long enough for you to accomplish major treatment plan goals. If you continue in counseling long enough to establish new behaviors to the point where it has become habit, you are most likely to sustain your relationship gains over a longer period of time.     

3.  Why Seek Marriage Counseling-
Whether High Conflict Or No Energy Left,
Marriage Counseling Can Help
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Although some people still have some mystical, magical "shoulds" in their minds that say that "you should be able to solve your own problems without help", getting assistance for marital difficulties is now acceptable and commonplace. Many of your neighbors, office cohorts, and possibly even people in your own family, have sought and benefited from marital counseling.  There are as many different reasons why people seek marital counseling as there are couples seeking it. Many things impact the marriage in today's society.  Some couples deal with grave issues like infidelity, abuse, mental health issues or addiction, but many work on day to day living issues.  Stress at work, financial worries, insecurity about your own skills, abilities or looks are all individual issues that impact the relationship. Many people get irritable or emotionally withdrawn as they seek to deal with the internal issues that are bothering them, instead of being able to reach for help from their spouse.  

Ideally, a marriage is a place where you can talk about the issues that are bothering you and allow your partner to listen, accept your feelings, and love you. Often the marriage is not a place where this can happen. Sometimes this is because there are relationship difficulties that get in the way of the partners being able to be the spouse that they might like to be. Many relationship issues that bring couples into counseling involve unresolved conflicts. Often when partners try to resolve conflicts, because they don't quite know how to do that, they make matters worse with dirty fight tactics, with escalating and withdrawing, or by refusing to confront and deal with conflicts.   When these things happen, it makes it more difficult to solve the same problem, issue, or conflict the next time that it comes up. When it re-emerges feelings have been hurt, partners have the expectation that they will not be able to resolve it, and may expect argument or additional conflict. The more frustrated that partners get the angrier and more resentful they become. After awhile a climate of hostility can develop and spouses begin to look at each other through "mad colored" glasses. 

Communication can move away from intimate sharing between two people who love each other into a tense environment of resentment and/or punishment.  Sometimes there is a reciprocal pattern of feeling hurt and punishing.  With feeling hurt and angry it is no wonder that spouses are resistant to do "nice" things for each other, or to offer acceptance of the other person. Many couples begin to operate out of a sense of scarcity and take a self-centered stance of "what's in it for me".   They may take a defensive posture and deflect any blame or criticism that they feel is being leveled against them.  Couples may even believe that they communicate well and yet, still cannot effectively solve the problems in their marriage. There is often a difference between knowing how to communicate well and actually using good communication skills when they are most needed-in the midst of conflict and tension. When the atmosphere is one of "every man for himself", the future of the relationship seems bleak.  It may feel as if there is no way out of the hurt that you are experiencing. As you are trying harder and harder to make yourself understood by your partner, they are doing the same thing--stepping up their own demands--virtually guaranteeing that neither is being heard by the other. Each feels misunderstood and unimportant to the other. 

This is a picture of a couple in conflict that are still engaging, and trying to find solutions to their marital problems. On the other hand, many couples stop engaging in problem solving, and in arguing as well. Some couples come into counseling as a last-ditch effort to save a marriage that one or both, have little motivation left to work on. They seem to have run out of energy and desire to try to change things. Perhaps they, (one or both) have felt unloved for a long time, and have stopped caring that that has happened. Perhaps they have tried to solve problems and issues for a long time and have accepted the partner as s/he is, and have accepted the relationship as it for a long time. Eventually, one may decide that it is time to divorce and they decide to give it one last effort. There is little life left in this marriage but it still may be saved.    

How can marriage counseling help with these scenarios?  Practicing communication skills developed by coaching, modeling, and risking can help create a trustworthy environment where you can once again feel the love that has been weighted down by the resentment, hurt, and anger. Marital counseling can help to produce an environment of safety where you can once again experience hope and restore self-confidence in getting your message to your beloved. You can feel relieved of the compulsion to "be understood" and can once again work "to understand your partner. You can return to feeling loved, cherished, and important. Marriage counseling can help you avoid divorce and help you rekindle the love and romance you crave.   Even the lifeless, disengaged relationship can often be revitalized. The counselor can't do this, but with his or her guidance and teaching, you and your spouse can accomplish these things together.

 

 

 

4.  Your Spouse's Infidelity Revealed:
Of Course You Are Angry and Scared
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Infidelity can be a component of sexual addiction or relational event(s). It is generally enshrouded in secrecy and dishonesty, with great amounts of time and effort spent to keep it hidden. Spouses find out about the infidelity or sexual addiction in a wide variety of ways. Several are listed below:
 

• Receiving anonymous phone calls from the unfaithful spouse's spurned lover or other parties;
• The suspicious spouse finding credit card receipts, phone bills, or other tell-tale signs in the paper trail. 
• The spouse intercepting phone messages or calls meant for the unfaithful spouse;
• The couple being faced with the negative consequences (i.e., legal, financial, career) of infidelity or sexual addiction
• The infidelity or sexual addiction being revealed in counseling or in substance abuse treatment. 
• Catching him/her "in the act".

 

These are but a few of the ways that a faithful spouse receives the news that their beloved has been unfaithful. Regardless of how the infidelity is revealed, the disclosure or revelation of the infidelity creates or intensifies a crisis within the marital relationship.  Spouses often have a sense or an intuition that "something is wrong" before the infidelity is revealed. They may engage in "fact-finding missions" to affirm or deny their own suspicions. Although they are engaged in evidence gathering behavior, they are probably at mixed purposes, with wanting on one hand, to satisfy their need to know the truth, and on the other hand, to be reassured that they are wrong. Usually before the disclosure occurs, there have been accusations and arguments about the faithful spouse's suspicions.  Most suspicious spouses will ask questions, make accusations, and confront the unfaithful spouse with pieces of evidence, then believe the unbelievable explanations and denial.  

This may go on for awhile or the faithful spouse may step up the efforts to "prove" their suspicions.  The compulsion to find out the truth snowballs until there is little else that they can think about. The spouse may feel immobilized by the need to know. The compulsion to "prove" that their suspicions are correct may be about trying to prove to themselves that they are not "crazy", or that the problem is not within themselves. Then again, they may want to be proven wrong, due to fear of having to face making a decision about whether to stay or leave the relationship. Spouses experience a lot of conflicting emotions when faced with infidelity.   

Regardless of whether suspicious spouses spend their own time and energy playing detective, or actually hire a private investigator, the need to know is devastating emotionally. When the distrustful spouse confronts the faithless spouse with the evidence of the infidelity, the disloyal spouse, having spent so much energy in hiding the acting out will usually continue to try to deny the infidelity. At some point, when they feel that they are not believed and cannot successfully maintain the deception, the disloyal spouse will often admit at least some of the facts. They may project blame and responsibility onto the questioning spouse, for drilling them for the information, for "having to lie" to them, or forcing the revelation. Often, more information may be disclosed in the highly emotionally charged discussion.   

Although the suspicious spouse feels compelled to gain the information about the infidelity, the truth, even pieces of it, is painful. The faithful spouse will experience anger, hurt, betrayed. They may feel helpless, hopeless, and unloved. The anger may be internalized into depression and despair or externalized into rage and acting out.    The "facts" of the infidelity as revealed, seem to be branded into the visual imagery and memory of the shocked spouse. These emotionally bruised and battered spouses complain that the imagery or the memory of the disclosure is ever present in their thoughts and feelings. They continuously replay the visions of catching the spouse "in the act", "the look" that said it all, and the verbal admission of guilt. Many spouses indicate that they feel physically ill, that they can't concentrate, or that they can't do even routine self-care. They indicate that the revelation destroys their emotional and physical well-being.   

They replay the minor pieces of evidence, and seemingly unconnected events that now have meaning in the context of the acting out. Spouses obsess about how this could have happened. They question the unfaithful spouse about why they did this to their relationship. They demand an answer to the "why" questions-perhaps believing that the right answers might empower them to make a decision about whether to stay or leave, or once again make their world make sense, or to figure out whose fault it is, and what will be needed to fix it.    In seeking to assign responsibility, the wounded spouse looks to his/her own feelings of inferiority, insecurities, and need to control. This endless questioning of self and spouse produces emotional exhaustion. The unfaithful spouse, despite the guilt and shame, feels compassion fatigue and wants to put it in the past and get on with their lives. They often grow impatient with the wounded spouse's questioning and repeatedly bringing up the issue with all the tears and recriminations.   

For many unwary spouses, the discovery of the infidelity shakes their sense of the world as they know it. A sense of security and safety is destroyed, leading the shocked spouse to question what else might be an illusion in his/her life. Questioning the "truth" about one's beliefs about a variety of things in life may then begin. The obsessions and ruminations may be an attempt to try to restore some sense of normal reality in your life or to adapt to a "new normal".    

Infidelity is so life-changing that betrayed spouses often begin to mark time in terms of the infidelity. For example, when referencing even routine events, they may say something like, "Before the affair, I spent a lot of time cleaning house."   Those still in shock and disbelief, who are continuing to try to put together the information to make sense of it all, will discover that the ongoing obsession and rumination is not helping their mental or emotional health. It is not solving any problems either. It is a normal reaction to the events, but to continue to feed it over time, does not help recovery.   

People like to say that time heals all wounds. It is not necessarily so. Spouses that have been betrayed by an unfaithful spouse learn that in order to get on with their lives, that they must do the work of recovery. It can start with a conscious and deliberate attempt to stop obsessing.   

Some thought stopping techniques are discussed in Part 2. These are best accompanied by stepping up efforts at self-care, and allowing oneself to experience the range of emotions, identify them, and express them. This is also a good time to acknowledge your own strengths, talents, and skills. While the shock of marital infidelity can be emotionally, mentally, physically, and even spiritually devastating, it doesn't have to derail your life, your self-esteem, or your self-confidence. It does not have to be the deciding factor of whether you can be happy in your life.   

 

5.  Your Spouse’s Infidelity Revealed:

Getting Over The Shock And Getting to Recovery

Part 2

 

Marital infidelity can be revealed in a whole host of different ways. Regardless of how the infidelity is revealed, the revelation of the infidelity creates a crisis within the marital relationship and within the faithful spouse. The shock of discovering the infidelity leads to compulsive attempts to gather information to try to make sense of how this could possibly happen, and to gain enough information to be able to make a decision about whether to leave or stay in the relationship. 

 

The feelings associated with the betrayal are intense and all-consuming. The compulsion to run the information through one’s mind over and over is so strong and consuming, that it takes a great deal of conscious effort to stop obsessing. The constant bombardment of those mental images leads to physical and emotional exhaustion.  

 

There are steps you can take for letting go of the obsessions. When you want to quit recalling, sorting, and rehashing the events, the pieces of evidence, the theories, move toward the feelings that you may be indirectly processing. Identify and take direct responsibility for your feelings. Label them. Own your feelings; express them; write about them. Don’t act them out. 

 

Identify and make a list of everything you are angry about. As yourself these questions instead:

1) Why am I angry (or other feeling)? 

“I am angry that he would rarely have sex with me.”

“I am angry that she lied to me”

“I am angry that he had sex with my best friend”

“I am angry because when I asked him about it, he turned it around on me, trying to make me believe I was paranoid”

“I am angry because I always hated her working there anyway”.

2) What did I tell myself about my suspicions?

“You are just paranoid; she would not do that”

“You don’t trust anybody, not even your wife”

3) What beliefs do you or did you have about infidelity?

            “If your spouse is unfaithful, you have to leave him/her.”

            “If your spouse is unfaithful, you must not be showing him enough love”

            “If your spouse is unfaithful you must not be having enough sex.

            “If your spouse is unfaithful you must not be pretty enough,

            “If your spouse is unfaithful you must not be sexy enough,

            “If your spouse is unfaithful you must not be very good in bed”

            “If your spouse is unfaithful they don’t love you.”

            “If your spouse is unfaithful they will always be unfaithful.”

            “If your spouse is unfaithful you will never be able to trust them again”

4) What messages am I telling myself now about this that is having a negative effect on my emotional, physical, psychological health?

 

5) Are any of the above messages true? Which ones are false?

           

6) Which “what if” questions am I dwelling on?

 

When you think that your spouse is not having sex with you because you are not good enough, you feel angry, hurt, worthless and rejected. Are you worthless? No, of course not. And his acting out was not about you. It wasn’t about you being less than the person he had sex with. When you keep asking “why” this may be one of answers that you are seeking. But it comes from within, not from him. Another vein of questioning of the unfaithful spouse may come out as a “why” question but could be about wanting reassurance that your spouse is experiencing enough remorse that it will not happen again. The question may come out as “why would you jeopardize our marriage for this”, when the feelings involved are anger and fear. Example: “I am angry that you jeopardized our marriage for this.” When I think that you jeopardized our marriage for this, I think that you don’t love me, that our marriage is not important to you and that you will do it again. If you love me, you would feel great remorse and shame and try to make it up to me. If you love me and really understand that you risk losing me, you won’t do it again. The spouse with interrogation, may be looking for some indicator or reassurance not only that it won’t happen again and that they are sufficiently remorseful, but that they don’t have low regard for them as a person. That thought often comes out crooked in statements indicating that they believe that they have been taken for a fool. The compulsion to try to gain reassurance and information is a strong compulsion and we think that with enough information we can figure it out. We think we won’t feel as powerless. Even though the compulsion is strong, you can stop obsessing. 

 

Work on living in the present. Let go of worrying about what will happen tomorrow. Give up your investigative efforts. If the infidelity is ongoing or it will occur, you don’t have to go out of your way to find out about it. It will be revealed without being compelled to be hyper vigilant. Get busy taking care of you today. Do the things that you may have wanted to do, but have not carved out time for yourself to accomplish or learn. Establish priorities and let go of some things that have low priorities. Practice thought stopping techniques. Listen to music. Dance, exercise, have lunch with your friends. Find someone to talk to. Get a counselor. Talk to a friend. It is not advised to bring your parents or his into your marriage by making them your confidante. If or when you decide to stay in the marriage and heal the problems, you may forgive, but your parents may not. Read recovery literature. Keep a journal.

6.  Marital Infidelity - Are CyberAffairs Infidelity?
Are Internet Relationships Cheating?
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
 

Cyberaffairs seems to have evolved as the descriptive term for online affairs, cyber-affairs, online flirtations, or online sex talk. Is it infidelity? Cyberaffairs, which encompasses all the above descriptors, is an online emotional (or sexual) affair when there is no physical contact between the participants. Regardless of the terminology that you use, online affairs are not just online friendships. They are relationships that are, or have become inappropriate.  Even though the two people involved have never met in real life, it can be extremely damaging to a marriage or a committed relationship.

Marriage has at its core an intimate bond that involves trust, acceptance, commitment, mutual respect, and love. Affairs, cyber or otherwise, tears at the very fiber of this bond. Marriage takes a lot of effort. It is hard work. It takes time and emotional energy to stay attached to your partner in a hectic, hard-paced world. It takes a lot of patience and kindness to listen to same complaint about a coworker as the one you heard yesterday and the day before. It takes courage to reveal something about yourself that you fear your partner will criticize. Sometimes it becomes difficult to discuss conflicts and to work on solving problems when you have tried to resolve these same issues many times without success.   

Effective communication/problem solving and emotional investments in intimate sharing are probably not happening when one of the partners are engaging in a cyberaffair. The unfaithful partner is investing his/her emotions, energy, time, and risks in a fantasy relationship that allows them to be whoever they want to be. They are investing in this relationship for emotional or sexual fulfillment. They are having some of their needs met online. They may feel free to say things or suggest things online that they would not say or suggest to their spouse.   

They don't have the emotional baggage of the marriage to contend with, when flirting or talking about themselves to this stranger. Since they don't know this other person and have no history with them, they are not privy to the other person's negative characteristics and foibles. The cheating partner can begin to make comparisons between the fantasy person in his/her head and the spouse at home with all his/her annoying features and relationship baggage. The cheating partner may be talking about his/her relationship with the spouse, revealing intimate details of their relationship. Any faithful spouse would feel betrayed by this alone.   

The cheating partner who is revealing details about himself/herself to the other person is investing emotionally in the online affair rather than in their own marriage. It robs the intimacy from the marriage. Although there may be unresolved marital intimacy issues, choosing to get one's own intimacy needs met extramaritally, dooms the primary relationship to failure. Any concerns, feelings, fears, ambitions, and sexual needs that a partner may be having should be discussed and worked through in the marriage, not online with a fantasy surrogate. Doing this online is distracting and dishonest.   

Any cheating involves secrecy and dishonesty. Online cheating might involve hiding internet accounts and clearing out viewing history, or using the computer at odd hours or at work. As the online relationship evolves, it might involve new cell phones, hidden credit card charges, unaccounted-for time. As it continues to evolve, it can involve the two people meeting in real life, and a physical, sexual affair beginning.   

Cyberaffairs are serious. They can lead to physical infidelity. They can lead to divorce. People who are cheating get defensive as you try to discover what is going on. As you ask questions about their activity, they will lie. In the face of obvious physical evidence, they will still lie.  

If you plan to confront your spouse, you don't have to get into an argument with them about what they are or are not doing. Saying what you think and your feelings about it is appropriate. Telling your partner what you want him/her to do about it is also appropriate. Saying something like the following is a good way to broach the subject without accusations, arguments, and getting into a "no-win" situation.  

"When I see you staying up until 2:00 a.m. on the internet and I believe that you're getting emotionally more and more distant, I think that you are having a relationship online. When I think these things I feel scared, hurt and lonely. I want you to let me know when you are online so that I can see what you are doing. I want us to set aside some time to spend with each other when we are not tired and cranky. I want .....". 

Talk about how you feel and what you want. Do not get into arguments about what you think is going on and any evidence that you think you may have. The cheating spouse will lie in the face of overwhelming evidence and the spouse often wonders if s/he is the crazy one. If there is no cyberaffair, the other person will change their behavior to reassure you. Request behavior change. Defensiveness on the part of the person having the cyberaffair is a strong indicator that your suspicions are correct.   

If you are the betrayed spouse, don't deny your feelings to yourself. Feel what you feel. Talk about it. Get help. Get counseling by yourself if your spouse won't go.

7.  If The Obama's Can Do It, You Can Too
3 Easy Steps to Establish Date Night
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

 

If the Obama's can do it, you can do it. Date night is a common practice used by couples all over the world to make sure that they treat their marriage as the priority that they claim it is. "Date night" is one of those tools that helps keep marriages strong. Most couples are under a great deal of stress from demands all about them. Couples who are in trouble with their marriages tend to work against each other in these conditions. Couples who stay connected and use the tools to keep their relationship strong are better able to weather the stress.
 
Different couples schedule date night at different intervals. Regardless of whether you have weekly, biweekly, or monthly "date nights", the trick to following through is to select the best day and time for the date and make it a "sacred time" where nothing gets takes precedence before it. 
 
When you commit to scheduling it in for the next X number of weeks or months, you are beginning to treat it as the "sacred time" that it is. Nothing gets scheduled over the top of it. Nothing takes precedence. It does not get postponed. It is solidly planned and committed to. Period. If you need baby sitters for date night, get them scheduled as much in advance as you can. Get two or three backup sitters for "on-call". With enough planning, you can consistently have "Date Night". Once you have the time scheduled you have to decide what to do on your dates. And that may not be as easy as you would think. To set up your date schedule, follow these steps:
 
1. Consult your schedules and pick out the best time for both of you, then write it in your schedule book for "X" number of weeks or months in advance. 
 
2. Generate three lists, especially if money is an issue. 
a. List one - Each partner contributes things that s/he would like to do on a date that costs money. Regardless of whether you think the other one would want to engage in that activity or go on that particular date, write it down. Each person should contribute at least ten items or ten date scenarios (i.e., dinner and a movie) to this list. 
 
b. Then generate a second list of ten that has no cost or minimal cost attached to it. (i.e., going to free outdoor concert, going fishing, charcoaling steaks and dancing to Big Band Jazz on Saturday night on your backyard deck, etc.) Each person should add their desired date activities regardless of whether you think the other would want to do that activity.
 
c. Generate a third list of ten date activities that you know you agree upon, cost not taken in account. 
 
d. Combine the three lists, eliminating two items from the cost date and two from the no-cost date. The activities left are your beginning date night activities. Keep the list handy. 
 
3. Take turns choosing from the list what your date night activity will be. Or cut the list activity list up so that items show up on separate pieces of paper and put them in a jar to be randomly selected. The purpose of each person contributing what they would like to do is to help couples expand their horizons and to practice a little give and take. 
 
Distressed couples often complain that when they actually do decide to go out and do something, it is only one person who does the deciding or who has the veto power over the choice of activity. This, while it might get them out of the house, is not doing all it can to communicate love and create an loving, partnership atmosphere.

8.  Learning the Secret of Establishing True Intimacy In Your Relationship

By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

 

People commonly think of sex when they hear the word, "intimacy", and sex is a component of physical intimacy. But there is a whole lot more to intimacy than sex. There are several different types of intimacy, and it is important to know how to "do" all types. Regardless of whether you are talking about physical, emotional, spiritual, or intellectual intimacy, many people struggle with intimacy.

Those who grow up in dysfunctional families typically do not understand how to be intimate with others. There are various reasons for this, some of which have to do with not knowing what will happen next in the family and in relationships, not having your needs met as a child, and learning to not trust your own perceptions, feelings, and judgment.

There are numerous things that go into being able to be intimate. Self-esteem, self-knowledge, being comfortable in one's own skin, being able to trust yourself and another person-all go into development of comfort with intimacy. Intimacy is about being able to be yourself, and to enable others to perceive you as you are-foibles and all. It is about being able to be fully present in your relationship without fear of rejection or abandonment. This is very critical because at any given time, two partners will have differing needs for closeness vs. distance in the relationship. If you are secure in your sense of worthiness of being loved, you are more comfortable with differences in that need.

The "secret" to gaining the ability to be truly intimate is to become comfortable with different levels of need for closeness vs. distance at any given moment in time. In any close relationship, two people will rarely have the same degree of need for closeness. People are usually at odds with each other over needs.

When you are not comfortable with yourself, you may feel the need to formulate a hypothesis to explain why your loved one has wants more distance than you do at any given point. You may speculate that they are less invested in the relationship than you are, or that if you were different that they would want more closeness. You may think that it means that they don't want to be around you, that they don't love you, or that they are losing interest in you.

When people are not aware of their own emotional baggage and intimacy issues, they can create patterns where they engage in a perpetual, self-reinforcing and circular behavior pattern. This interaction pattern has been described as pursue/distance and demand/withdraw. In this pattern, one person habitually pursues emotionally and perhaps physically, and the other distances. This typically goes on until the pursuer, for whatever reason, decides that they are getting nothing for their investment and begins to distance. As this happens, the "distancer", who looks like they are not engaged in the relationship, begins to pursue.

Many, if not most, couples engage in a more subtle version of this continuing pattern. The dynamics seem to become obvious during a relationship crisis, when the relationship may be in imminent danger of collapse or in crisis. This pattern can be a roadblock to true intimacy, when intimacy is actually the target of the "pursuer" or "demander".

Individuals who do not know how to talk about relationship issues including their need for closeness or their need for distance, tend to act out their feelings in some way. Many couples, in their attempt to problem solve on issues in their home or family may be working on different issues and not even realize it. All kinds of normal events take on "relationship meanings" when you have a difficult time communicating your wants, needs, and feelings. An example might be the wife who becomes quite upset when the husband is fifteen minutes late from work. She wants more closeness and because he seems to need less closeness she believes that he does not want to spend time with her and is avoiding her. Rather than tell him that she wants and needs more time with him, she nags him to complete his work earlier in the day, be assertive, and get out of the office "on time". The more she nags, the later he gets.

Although these patterns are difficult to see and to break, they can be ended. It is hard for couples to recognize the pattern because they are invested in their own perception of the events. They are convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is the other person who is at fault and that if the other person changed, they too, would change. Each waits for the partner to change and they become more and more stuck in the pattern.

The pattern can be broken, and intimacy can be established when each partner is able to acknowledge and express their wants, needs, and feelings. When they can identify that at any given moment that they have a difference in their need for closeness, and that it is merely a difference and not something "bad", they can interrupt the pattern. Each person has to be able to accept himself or herself as worthy of love and to trust that they are loved in the relationship. When they are able to tolerate the differences in their needs for closeness as simply difference, without value judgment, they can interrupt the structure and create a comfort that allows for growth of true intimacy.

 

 

 

9.  Eight Super Simple Things You Can Do Today
To Begin To Restore Intimacy To Your Marriage
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Intimacy is a state and a process where two people reveal to each other who they really are. It is a letting down of defenses and protective behaviors.  Intimacy is behavioral and verbal communication of one's innermost thoughts and feelings. It involves risking exposing one's most vulnerable sides to that other person. 

 

Intimacy as a "state" is fostered by open and honest self-disclosure, acceptance, trust, and commitment. To be intimate with others we have to feel safe enough to share our innermost thoughts and feelings. To feel safe enough, we have to take the risk to see what happens. To risk we have to have a sense of self and we have to have a fairly accurate sense of the trustworthiness of others.  To want to risk with another person, we would probably be motivated by some level of positive feelings or regard for that person.

 

As we begin to trust our own judgement, take the risks with appropriate people, and observe trustworthiness in others, trust deepens and grows. We not only trust our own gut feelings, but begin to trust another person as well. 

 

Commitment goes hand in hand with trust.  As we expose more and more of our tender, vulnerable sides, and our significant other doesn't abandon or belittle us for our imperfections, fear reduces, and security in the relationship grows.  If we are really risking who we are, conflict will occur.  Commitment means being willing to stay and deal with the feelings and behavior that surround our conflicted needs or wants, to work through it to mutual agreement or acceptance. In order to do that there must be honesty and willingness to listen to the other's point of view.

 

In conflicted relationships, especially ones damaged by alcoholism or drug addiction, there may be very little openness, trust, honesty, or acceptance left.  Vulnerable self-disclosure has long since left the building.  And for good reason.  To risk being vulnerable met with predictable punishment (on both sides). 

 

To repair the intimacy in newly recovering relationships, it is appropriate to take responsibility for your own behavior and contribution to the problem and to the solution--while not worrying about whether the other person will follow suit. Begin simply. Try these things as an experiment. Look around and see what changes occur.

 

1.  Give your partner a compliment about his/her appearance daily.  Find something positive and don't add a "but". 

 

2.  Tell your partner that you appreciate what they did that day to make your life easier.  You probably already notice some of these things but never both to say anything about it. 

 

3.  Take full responsibility for your own feelings, behavior, and decisions.

 

4.  Don't assume that he/she knows how you feel. Tell them.  Regardless of how long you have been married, s/he cannot accurately read your mind. 

 

5.  Don't assume that s/he will know what kind of reaction or behavior that you want from him/her in any given situation. Ask for what you want. Example:  "I want to tell you what happened at work today, and I don't want you to tell me how to fix it.  I just want you to listen."

 

6.  Treat your partner with the same politeness you would an acquaintance. A little common courtesy goes a long way.  Open doors.  Offer a glass of tea if you are going to the kitchen anyway.

 

7.  Sprinkle your day generously with hugs, kisses, and "I love you's".  How could that hurt?

8.  Remember that not everything is about you. Two people are going to have different intimacy needs at different times. If your partner wants distance/space while you want closeness, remember that it is not necessarily about your relationship and that it doesn't mean that they are leaving you forever.

 

By modeling this intimate behavior with your significant other, you make your relationship a safer place for them to try some new behavior with you. It may take a long time to allow yourself to be intimate with your significant other again, (or for some, for the first time). Give yourself credit for the letting down of defenses and your courage to take risks.

10.  Restore the Interest and Intimacy to Your Lifeless Marriage
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Does it feel like something is missing from your relationship? Does it seem like you stay busy all the time and spend very little quality time with your spouse? If it seems that you are not really angry with each other, or that you have not fallen out of love with each other, but more like you never really get around to devoting time for each other and talking about how important you are to one another, you could benefit from learning how to make your relationship a priority.

It is easy for your relationship to get lost in the process of living day to day. When you do consider the state of your relationship and intimacy you yearn for that old "closeness". You entertain the notion of actually sitting down and talking about feelings and your thoughts about the nature of your relationship. In the "old days" you spontaneously talked about your dreams, goals, ambitions, feelings, and childhood experiences. Once upon a time, it felt natural to just spend time together, just "being" and loving each other.

You may have even made some effort at having a date night, only to find that the conversation was short lived and that you rather quickly resorted to the "weather report", the "kids report", and the "chores list". After a while the date nights didn't seem worth the bother. Maybe you are just a little bored with your relationship. Maybe you feel like you have just drifted away from each other. You probably can't even remember when you stopped really having fun together and started "sleep-walking" through your marriage.

When it feels like your marriage is on "automatic" there are some things you can do to change that. If in the past, when you have carved out time to spend together, but struggled to find something out of the ordinary to talk about, you can take it one step further. There are some things that you can do to "jump start" the interest and passion in your marriage. You can rekindle the spark by carving out a "special time" for your relationship?and making it a priority.

Setting aside a "Sacred time" for couple communication or relationship enrichment is highly rewarding. You can bridge the gap between yourself and loved one by taking action now. There are couples enrichment weekends that are sponsored by local churches, and structured or semi-structured communication exercises such as "Couples Feelings Meetings" and "The Honey Jar".

The "Honey Jar" is a conversation starter for couples, that assists in opening up those lines of communication and restoring the sense of "Us" that may be eroding. It consists of sentence stems, printed separately on business-type cards, and fitting neatly into a one quart mason jar?thus "The Honey Jar". It helps you start talking again, about yourself and the relationship in a way that is non-threatening. Honey Jar can benefit couples at any stage of their committed relationship.

A simple communication exercise that is established as a "Sacred event" can be tremendously helpful in assisting in creating the desired changes in your relationship. "Sacred event" can be defined as something over which nothing else takes priority. Pick a day, time, and place to spend time together communicating, then let nothing get in the way of that time together. A healthy relationship is more easily maintained by attending to it now, rather than trying to mend it later.

When spouses feel taken for granted, unimportant, shoved aside, or even bored with their spouse, these feelings can set the marriage up for conflict, a mindset of negative perceptions, hostility, rigidity, infidelity, and even divorce. Revitalize your marriage by restoring open, caring, interested communication. Something so simple can restore a sense of partnership and renewed interest in the relationship.

"The Honey Jar", a couples communication conversation starter is a good exercise to begin to open up the lines of communication and to breakdown barriers that keep you from reaching out to each other.

General interest Articles on Marriage

1.  Six Guidelines For Developing Patience and Tolerance For
                  Your Family During the Holidays
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

Most people experience a great deal of stress in that period of time between Thanksgiving and New Years, fondly known as "The Holidays". Many of us, find ourselves becoming irritable, with our patience and tolerance stretched to the limit.

Much of the impatience and intolerance involves unrealistic and/or unreasonable expectations of others, especially those we are closest to. Being raised in our own individual families of origin seems to set us up for conflicts about expectations for the holidays. It seems to be a cultural expectation that the holidays are a time for families and for being with the people that we love. Past that seemingly global expectation, we tend to believe that the family attitudes and rules that we were raised with, are universally accepted. We tend to get more and more impatient and intolerant of others as they do not adhere to our expectations.

Much of the impatience and intolerance has to do with disappointment. We become disappointed that other people are not playing by the rules, not doing what is expected, and are in some way, departing from what we believe is the norm. In reality, the holidays represent different meanings to individuals, usually based on family of origin. Married couples often discover that their expectations about the holidays and the traditions that accompany those, simply do not match. This happens in within families as well. Different generations will often have varying expectations about the holidays.

These differing meanings and expectations can set couples or families up for conflict. While one partner may believe that the holidays are best spent relaxing and recovering from working hard all year, the other partner may believe it to be a time for increased activities. While one values quiet time, alone, and resting the other wants to be in the thick of things, with extended family get-togethers, extravagant gifts, and non-stop socializing. Someone is usually going to be disappointed if they as a couple, do not communicate and problem solve.

As this couple approaches the holidays with different expectations and different agendas, they will probably come into conflict. And each partner will be convinced that his or her own expectations or "standards" for behavior is "right". They come from two different family cultures, and do not understand that their culture is not the only culture there is.

Behavior should follow belief. The spouse that is busily engaged in meal planning for family get-togethers, office party coordination, buying gifts, getting Christmas cards outs, along with shopping, baking, and making phone calls to family members, probably won't appreciate the spouse's lack of desire to be pinned down. He (or she) just wants to take it easy and relax. That spouse views the other partner's activities as non-necessary and the requests for help as "demanding".

Similar conflicts can exist between generations. One generation (usually the older generation) may believe that the adult children "should come home for Christmas" each year, and spend all of their "time off" from work with the family. It does not matter that there are two families of origin vying for having the adult kids home for the holidays. One generation may believe that the good china, the silver, and the crystal must be used for "the dinner", while the other generation could not care less that all that fuss is made for one meal. They are clearly in conflict over expectations about how the holidays "should" be handled.

Individualized experiences or even fantasies about the holidays become a template upon which to build holiday expectations. Some families with longstanding patterns of conflict expect that the annual holiday gathering will bring about predictable conflicted, acting out behavior. These are often self-fulfilling prophecies. Yet family members may live in perpetual hope that somehow this year will be different. Often, however, family members attend the events with their defenses firmly in place.

Families with addiction are a good example of ongoing patterns. Holiday get-togethers usually involve inappropriate alcohol or drug induced behavior. These holidays are repeated decade after decade, or even generation after generation. Even when the alcoholics or addicts are sober, the memories of Christmases and Thanksgivings past haunt contemporary social gatherings as family members hold their breaths waiting to see who will act out this year and how.

Families are systems that seek to maintain sameness over time. Families perpetuate predictable interaction patterns. Anyone who is striving to make personal changes in his/her life would find it challenging to maintain those changes in the context of returning "home" to spend time with the family of origin.

Relationship conflicts and distress that seem to be exacerbated during the holidays can be reduced by following some of these guidelines:

l. Recognize that the way that your family did the holidays is not a universal standard by which to judge all holiday activities and traditions. Other family's traditions are just as legitimate as yours. Watch your expectations.

2. Communicate clearly what you want and need. Be assertive. Don't expect your partner or your other family members to read your mind. Communicate about the activities that you would like to participate in, how much time you want to spend with various family members, how much money you want to spend on gifts, travel, entertainment, decorating, etc., and how you want to pay for all of this.

3. Be willing to problem solve about these activities and to compromise.

4. Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes or your parents' shoes. Rather than spending most of your energy trying to make yourself understood by your partner (or your parents), try to understand his/her position and to make accommodations for it.

5. Remember that you love these people. Remind yourself that they are not your enemies and be grateful for having them in your life. Focus on the positives about them, rather than the negatives.

6. Just as you want to feel accepted by them, they want to feel accepted by you. It is not your job to change others. Acceptance goes a long way to re-establishing patience and tolerance of others.

This article is taken from my e-book, "The Recovering Person's Guide to Surviving and Thriving Through The Holidays Without Losing Your Sobriety or Your Sanity". To purchase and download this e-book or others, go to http://www.peggyferguson.com/ServicesProvided.en.html

 

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Serving Stillwater (74074, 74075, 74076), Perry (73077), Perkins (74059), Cushing (74023), Pawnee (74058), Guthrie (73044), Ponca City (74601, 74602,74604), Morrison (73061), and other local communities.
 

Serving Stillwater (74074, 74075, 74076), Perry (73077), Perkins (74059), Cushing (74023), Pawnee (74058), Guthrie (73044), Ponca City (74601, 74602,74604), Morrison (73061), and other local communities.