Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D., LADC, LMFT
116 W. 7th, Suite 211
Stillwater, OK 74074
Phone: 405-707-9600; Fax 405-707-9601
peggyferguson@peggyferguson.com
Articles on Sexual Addiction
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Table of Contents
2. Denial Enables Sexual Compulsivity to Persist
In Spite of Negative Consequences
3. Sexual Addiction: A Brief Description
4. Sexual Addiction: Are You a Sex Addict?
5. Help for the Sex Addict
6. Are You Suffering From Someone Else's
Sexual Addiction?
7. Help for the Sex Addict's Spouse
8. Sex Addiction - How Do You Know If Infidelity is a
Symptom of Sexual Addiction?
10 Indicators
9. How to Find Help for Sexual Addiction
10. How to Get Help for Sexual Addiction When
You Don't Have Money
11. Sexual Addiction - Early Recovery Skills
Trying To Accomplish?
Individually Defining Recovery
1. The Unadulterated Truth About Sexual Addiction
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
There is nothing sexy about sex addiction. Compulsive sexual behavior is not a pastime or hobby. Sexual addiction is not a pretty picture. And despite the portrayal by tabloid magazines of the latest celebrity going to rehab for sexual, addiction, it is not glamorous.
Sexual addiction, like any other addiction, brings with it a certain amount of pain. Yet, sexually addicted people use all kinds of excuses and defense mechanisms to deny the truth to themselves. The naked truth about addiction is that once it is addiction, the sexually compulsive behavior does not produce the joy or relief that it once did. The sex addict persists in the behavior despite the fact that it brings about isolation and unhappiness. The addict becomes socially, emotionally, and spiritually withdrawn, not only from the people who love them, but from themselves.
While there is great variety in the types of sexual activities that represent one's "sexual drug of choice", compulsive masturbation is the common denominator in sexual addiction. Masturbation is something that most people do, at least at some time in their lives. It is not, however, something that everyone does compulsively. The psychological defense mechanisms used by sex addicts are common to other addictions. Some of the most common rationalizations include, "Everyone does it", "It reduces tension, helps me relax", "I'm now hurting anyone".
Some people try to make themselves believe that masturbation or other compulsive sexual behavior is actually helping their relationship. They rationalize that they are using it as a substitute and are not fighting about sex as much as they have been. Compulsive masturbation does not reduce tension in a relationship. It exacerbates it. When an addict thinks of masturbation in terms of "just getting it over with--with the least amount of hassle", or "that it is just easier this way", they are avoiding and withholding intimacy in the relationship. In sex addicted marriages, sex with the spouse often gets less and less frequent. Other important relationship issues are probably being avoided as well.
Prostitution, internet sex, phone sex, and serial one-night stands are different ways that sexually addicted behavior can be manifested. Compulsive sexual behavior won't tide you over until a good relationship comes along; it prevents one from coming along. You are not honing your sexual skills. You are replacing relationships with an empty substitute. Anything that objectifies other people divides you from them. It does not connect you to them.
Addicts think, "I'm not hurting anyone with this", or "I'm only hurting myself". Sexual addiction is hurtful. It is not just hurting the addict. It is hurting those involved with the addict. When an addict withdraws emotionally and physically from the spouse, preferring compulsive masturbation, pornography, strip clubs, phone sex, online chat, etc., not only the spouse suffers, but so do the children. Even if your children do not know what about the compulsive behavior, they are affected. The conflicted or troubled spousal interactions, the overall tension present in the home, the money spent on the addiction, and the time away from them, affects the kids.
Secrets carried from one generation to the next, help perpetuate dysfunctional family themes. Sexual addiction is one common theme passed from generation to generation. Many sex addicts, in the recovery process discover that a parent was also sexually compulsive. They may or may not have known that as a child. They may have seen or heard rumors that the parent had affair(s), or acted out in some other way. The children of sex addicts are vulnerable to the same addiction, especially when they discover a hidden porno stash, or some other prop. Many addicts identify this as an inciting event in the development of their sexual addiction.
When you are married to an addict, sex takes on a qualitatively and quantitatively different form in your marriage. The emotional intimacy is typically missing. Because the compulsive behavior is an addiction, it is hidden and secret. Because it is hidden and secret, there is a lot of lying going on. All this lying and dishonesty affects relationships in a huge way. The trust that is destroyed may never be recovered.
When addicts believe that they are not hurting anyone else, they are deluding themselves about the impact on the family. There are often massive expenses involved in addictions. These expenses are not just for purchasing the goods and services. Expenses are also involved in cleaning up the problems caused by the addiction (e.g., attorneys, fines, bounced check fees, etc.).
Sexual addiction can destroy a marriage. The spouse often knows that something is wrong and wracks their brains to figure out how to solve those problems-for a long time before they ever correctly identify the problem. When the sexual acting out is finally discovered, they often believe that they have caused the addict to act out. The spouse inevitably believes (if only temporarily) that the addict's acting out is due to some personality, skill, or attractiveness deficits of their own. During the progression of their spouse's addiction, the non-addicted spouse's self-esteem takes a huge hit. They are often aided in this belief by the addict's blaming them.
Below are common excuses that sex addicts make:
"My spouse and I haven't had sex regularly in a long time". "I am not stimulated intellectually by my spouse". "I am not sexually attracted to my spouse". "I go to strip clubs and massage parlors because I need some basic human contact". "I keep thinking that I will meet someone that I can actually have a relationship with". "All men are like this". "Every body does this". "It's not hurting anyone". "If my spouse would get off my back..." "My spouse is critical and belittles me". "It's cheaper to pay someone than to date and in the end you know you're going to get sex". "It's my money and I'll do with it what I want". "The 1-900 telephone sex services tricked me".
The first step is recognizing that there is a problem. Help is available for the addict and for spouses of addicts.
2. Denial Enables Sexual Compulsivity to Persist
In Spite of Negative Consequences
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
Sexual addiction, like any other addiction involves defense mechanisms that allow the desired behavior to persist despite negative consequences. The sex addiction attributes the problems associated with his/her sexual behavior to anything but the sexual behavior. Since sexual addiction co-occurs with other addictions, the other addictions often get blamed for unintended behavior or consequences. And the combination of addictions and/or their patterns of interactions can prompt unintended behavior or consequences.
Unfortunately, when there are multiple addictions along with sexual addiction, this complicates the picture enough for the addict to spend a lot of time and energy trying to solve the addiction problems independently. For example, a sex addict with alcoholism or other drug addiction may attribute all the negative consequences of his addictions to the alcoholism. S/he goes to inpatient treatment, not mentioning the serial one-night stands that endangers her health, damages her self-esteem, and put her into dangerous situations. She blames those one night stands on the drinking. She was certainly drinking and getting drunk each time those events happened.
She assumes that when she sobers up, that the sexual acting out will stop. Only it doesn't. Instead of picking men up in a bar or a club, she selects her partners at AA meetings and in other social settings. The behavior is still shaming her. It is still damaging her self-esteem. She wants to stop engaging in that behavior, but it is compulsive. She is at the beginning of recovery and has not yet learned good living skills. When she experiences hurt, anger, sadness, and even boredom, she feels compelled to engage in the sexual behavior. She may not even make the connection between her feelings and the compulsion. If she does, she probably thinks, "At least I'm not drinking". But in fact, she is engaging in mood/mind altering behavior.
When sex addicts are able to connect their own sexual compulsivity to negative consequences and outcomes, they like other addicts, attempt "softer, easier ways" to get their lives back under control. These attempts usually involve trying to manage their external environment a little more closely. It could involve using an internet filter to take away their digital drug of choice, putting a parental block on the television, putting a 900 number block on the phone, or it might even involve trying to engage in a romantic relationship.
Sexual addiction is also an intimacy disorder, where the addict has difficulty with being truly intimate in a relationship. The sex addict, in an attempt to get the sexual compulsivity under control, may believe that if they get married or focus all their sexual activity or energy in the relationship, that their sexual acting out will stop. They believe that their need for porno, one-night stands, fantasy, (or whatever their sexual drug of choice is), will go away.
3. Sexual Addiction - A Brief Description - Part 1
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
If you see yourself in this brief description of sexual addiction, it can be the beginning of achieving recovery and getting your life back. The hope is that there is recovery, that it is possible. "The journey of a thousand miles begins by taking the initial step". The good news is that you don't have to make the journey alone. Sexual addiction is an ongoing and potentially worsening pattern of compulsive sexual behavior despite awareness of negative consequences on the addict's life.
Compulsion is defined as an "irresistible" impulse to do something. Although the addict feels compelled to engage in the problem behavior, it is typically not emotionally satisfying. The acting out usually produces shame and guilt, followed by a desire and perhaps a promise to self to stop. The compulsive behavior keeps returning. Sexual addiction has negative consequences not only on the lives of the addict, but on the lives of family members and friends. Sexual addiction can bring about all manner of losses, including close relationships, freedom due to legal consequences (i.e. jail), financial, self-esteem, meaningful participation in your own life, and loss of health. Sex addiction has direct parallels with alcohol and other drug (AOD) addictions.
Sex addicts, like other addicts, attempt to escape from, medicate, or alter their feelings and their "reality" with sex. In sexual addiction, sex is the mind/mood altering drug. Anything that an addict "likes" that works to change how they feel, can become compulsive or addictive. Most sex addicts have preferences for acting out, such as compulsive masturbation, internet sex, phone sex, prostitutes, serial infidelity, and others. Sexual addiction is usually progressive, which means that the behaviors escalate in intensity, frequency, or levels of inappropriateness. Sex addicts often progress from compulsive, yet seemingly innocuous behavior like masturbation, to illegal (e.g. window peeping, etc.) behavior, or dangerous sexual behavior.
Although sexual addiction can represent a range of sexual behaviors, there seems to be common characteristics among the addicts. Some of the common themes running through sexual addiction include (but are not limited to): difficulties forming close, intimate attachments, fear of allowing others to really know them and ultimately fear of rejection, feelings of shame and worthlessness, and loneliness. There are often other members of the family of origin who had a history of sexually acting out.
There is often a history of having been sexually abused in childhood. Sex addicts engage in dishonesty and compulsive lying. They often live two separate lives - the hidden, acting out one and the one your neighbors see. Addicts act outside their own value systems and become alienated from themselves. Most addicts live in fear - fear about not being able to engage in the compulsive behavior, fear about continuing to engage in the behavior, fear of getting caught or found out, and fear of loss of what they truly value (i.e. family, job, reputation). Sex addiction often occurs as a co-occurring disorder with alcohol and other drug (AOD) addictions. If you see yourself in these descriptions, seek help immediately.
You don't have to wait until you lose everything to find help and get into recovery. Actually, addicts with the best prognosis of sustained recovery are those who still have the infrastructure of their lives-their marriages, other family members, jobs, home, friends. An internet search can reveal recovery resources for sexual addiction. If you are unable to find local resources, call the addiction treatment providers in your community and ask for a referral. One of the hardest parts of early recovery is getting past the "denial" that tells you that you don't need help.
4. Sexual Addiction - Are You A Sex Addict - Part 2
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
Sexual addiction is a dysfunctional pattern of compulsive sexual behavior that continues even after the addict knows that it is causing major problems in their life. The sex addicts has a compulsion to engage in the problem behavior despite the fact that it has become emotionally dissatisfying and self-destructive. Compulsion is defined as an "irresistible" urge to engage in a behavior. The sexual acting out produces guilt, shame, and repeated unfulfilled promises to stop.
Addiction creates an experience that is called "powerlessness and unmanageability" in 12 step recovery groups. Compulsivity implies a "powerlessness" over resisting the compulsive urge to do the behavior. "Powerlessness" means the behavior is out of control. The compulsive behavior, along with the addict's attempts to stop and the over-compensation for the destructiveness of the behavior create a life that becomes more and more unmanageable. Despite the addict's attempts to keep the behavior hidden, s/he experiences an escalating sense of shame and guilt, and self-loathing. The addict tries to eliminate the problem behavior, but cannot consistently do so. The losses suffered due to addiction, including the marriage, jobs, financial, arrests, self-esteem and self-efficacy may or may not create an awareness of the need for help. The compulsive behavior persists even after addicts can no longer deny the negative consequences to their lives.
The sexual compulsions of a sex addict could involve the physical, emotional, or obsessive thoughts/fantasy. Varieties of sexual compulsivity are limitless. Examples of compulsive sexual behavior include but are not limited to masturbation, voyeurism, infidelity, internet sex, pornography, cruising and/or anonymous sex, dangerous sex.
Sexual addiction parallels alcohol and other drug (AOD) addictions in that sex is the "drug" that medicates the feelings. The compulsive sexual behavior allows the addict to temporarily escape feelings and problems, to reduce emotional or psychological pain, and/or to control stress - in other words to self-medicate discomfort. Symptoms of sexual addiction are listed below:
· Pre-occupation, or an obsession with sex that overshadows and interferes with other areas of the addict's life.
· Inappropriately large amount of time and energy devoted to planning or fantasizing about sexual activity or recovering from sexual acting out.
· Feelings of shame, guilt, despair, about your sexual behavior or thoughts
· Inability to stop engaging in the behavior despite repeated attempts to do so.
· Persistent compulsive behavior despite awareness of experiencing negative consequences from that behavior.
· Sexual compulsion or obsession is used as the main way you cope with life, feelings, and problems.
· Important social, family, career, or spiritual activities are neglected or given up because of sexual behavior
· Engaging in certain "ritualized" routines that are an important part of the sexual acting out.
· Need for increasing amount or intensity of sexual experience.
· Negative financial consequences because of the acting out.
· Negative relationship consequences because of the acting out.
· Loss of interest in sex with your partner or lack of interest in genuine intimacy with a long term partner
· Spending more time with sexual compulsivity than with intimate partners.
· Keeping secrets about your sexual behavior from significant others.
· Having regrets after acting out sexually.
· Frequenting places like sex clubs, strip clubs, adult book stores, massage parlors, cruising locations.
· Your sexual behavior is dangerous or the circumstances of your acting out could get you arrested.
If you are experiencing some of the above symptoms, you should be screened and/or assessed for sexual addiction. The addictions specialist making the assessment can provide an appropriate referral for treatment. The road to recovery begins with recognizing that you are out of control sexually and beginning to believe that the compulsive behavior can be stopped. To do that, you must take a realistic look at your behavior, the problems caused by that behavior, and becoming aware that your attempts to stop by yourself have not worked. If you see yourself in this description of sexual addiction, seek help now.
5. Sexual Addiction - Help For the Sex Addict - Part 3
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
Treatment for sexual addiction can occur in an inpatient or outpatient setting. Like treatment for alcohol and other drug (AOD) addiction, treatment for sexual addiction is usually made up of individual and group counseling, education about addiction, and self-help participation. When choosing between inpatient and outpatient programs, there are pros and cons to consider. The highly structured environment of inpatient treatment makes it more difficult to relapse in early recovery. Yet, an outpatient program is less confining and the addict lives in a real world environment while practicing the skills s/he is learning in treatment.
The overriding immediate goal for treatment of sexual addiction is the elimination of the sexual acting out behavior. Compulsive, problematic sexual behaviors are identified and abstinence is then individually defined. Sex addicts, with help, identify, and contract with accountability partner(s), (e.g., counselor, 12 step group, clergy,) to abstain from bottom line problem sexual behaviors. "Abstinence" in alcohol and other drug addiction treatment is easily defined. "Abstinence" in sexual addiction requires more consideration. Although complete sexual abstinence is not usually a long term goal for recovery from sexual addiction, treatment providers and programs may encourage people in early recovery to completely abstain from all sexual behavior for a period of time. A variety of abstinence skills is taught to the struggling recovering addict in early recovery.
One of the first therapeutic goals besides abstinence is to gain insight into the effects of the acting on various aspects of the addict's life. Addicts are helped to see the damage that their addictions have caused others. Insight into the negative affects of the addiction helps to disable the denial system. Denial allows addicts to continue with the destructive sexual behavior and to reduce the emotional distress associated with continuing that behavior. Disabling the denial system reduces the probability of relapse.
Like recovery from other addictions, treatment will also focus on identifying triggers for "relapse" and putting a relapse prevention plan of action in place. The negative feelings associated with the addiction, such as shame, guilt, self-loathing, will be addressed. This may occur in a group setting where other recovering addicts provide support, challenges to defense mechanisms, and assistance in reducing the shame.
Grief and loss issues related to negative consequences from the addiction will typically be addressed. Recovering sex addicts like other addicts are encouraged to identify the roles that the sexual acting out has played in their lives and to replace those roles with healthy living skills or alternatives. New living skills are modeled, encouraged, and practice is reinforced. Couples' and/or family therapy are often provided to improve communication and problem solving, and to resolve hurtful feelings such as the betrayal that the non-addicted spouse usually feels.
Recovering sexual addicts are encouraged to develop an adequate support network and to practice reaching out to others for meeting any dependency needs. This is especially important since social isolation and withdrawal have often been a characteristic of sexual addiction. Participation in 12 step group or other recovery groups is usually encouraged.
Multiple addictions are often present in sexual addiction. Common co-occurring disorders with sex addiction include mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, compulsive spending. Treatment usually addresses the co-occurring illnesses simultaneously. Support group participation, such as AA/NA, is also encouraged for other addictions.
Individualized treatment plans are developed to address the components of sexual addiction. Treatment objectives typically include relapse prevention, identification and resolution of intrapersonal and interpersonal issues that could impact a recovering person's likelihood of sustained recovery, and replacement of the target behavior with healthy living skills. Sexual addiction is treatable and recovery is possible. There are resources available for sexual addiction recovery. For local resources, call the national treatment or local substance abuse facilities and ask for a referral.
6. Sexual Addiction - Are You Suffering From
Someone Else's Sexual Addiction:
Part 4
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
Are you angry, depressed, confused, and constantly trying to figure out what your spouse is up to? If you are spinning your wheels, trying to strategize and find solutions for your spouse and your relationship before you have actually identified the problem, keep reading. Family members can suffer from the sexual addiction of spouses, and spend countless hours trying to solve the problem before they really know what they are dealing with. If you are suffering negative consequences of someone else's sexual behavior, you might be in a relationship with a sex addict.
How can you tell if you are in a relationship with a sex addict? Sex can take on an inappropriate level of importance in a relationship where there is sexual addiction. There may be an absence of sexual intimacy. In a healthy relationship, couples enjoy a variety of intimate acts. You can have a sense that something is wrong with the level of intimacy in your relationship. You might feel lonely before, during or after sex. You might feel used sexually. You may feel that your spouse is not capable of emotional intimacy and can only express intimacy sexually. Perhaps you find that you are often in conflict over sex. Although it is common for couples to have different levels of need for sex, you have many arguments over sex. Perhaps your spouse pouts or acts up if s/he doesn't get sex when s/he wants it. Even after sex, they may continue to demand more, not feeling satisfied with the experience they just had. Perhaps they demand the kinds of sexual activity that you are not comfortable with. Perhaps you comply. You might be at a place in the relationship where you have sex with your partner because you are afraid they will seek sex somewhere else if you don't comply. Or perhaps your spouse does not seem interested in sex with you at all.
Addiction carries with it a certain amount of dishonesty and secretiveness. For family members that dishonesty and secretiveness also involves a compulsion to uncover the "truth" so that you can "fix" whatever the problem is. You may find yourself playing detective to find out what is going on. You are constantly on the lookout for evidence of about whether they are doing what they say they are, or going where they say they are going. You might feel compelled to interrogate them. Perhaps you find porno hidden in the house, which prompts a "search and destroy" mission on your part. When you accidently find unexplainable charges on the credit cards and phone bills, your compulsion to look harder might kick in. You might even hire a private investigator. The compulsion to gather information is strong. Somehow if you can get enough information, maybe you can solve "the problem". You probably feel all alone, and believe that you can't talk to anyone about it.
By now your spouse's addiction is having major negative effects on you. Family members suffer the financial, social, emotional, and relationship consequences of their loved one's addiction. You may be engaged in a compulsive game of cat and mouse, trying to take control of the addict's behavior. Your mental health and/or physical health is probably suffering. You may have stress related physical complaints. You may be depressed-even suicidal. You avoid family and friends. Your self confidence and self-esteem is slipping, even in other areas of your life. You might have been able to hang onto your sense of self-esteem at work, but eventually that too, begins to erode. You feel hurt or embarrassed by the addict's behavior but you may also feel responsible for their behavior. You make excuses for them or tell lies to hide their behavior from others. You blame yourself and think that if you were prettier/more handsome, sexier, smarter, taller/shorter, etc., that your spouse would not be acting this way. You find yourself behaving in ways you never thought possible. You scold, lecture, yell, threaten to leave, or otherwise coerce them into behaving appropriately. You might even engage in "getting even" behavior like spending money or having affairs of your own.
Regardless of the symptoms of family dynamics of sexual addiction that you are suffering, there is help available. A simple internet search will reveal a variety of internet resources. Although most resources revealed will be for the addict, there are some resources for the family as well. You can also find a list of local 12 step meetings available for sex addicts and for the family members. Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), meetings are for sex addicts. Co-SA, Codependents of Sex Addicts is for family and friends of sex addicts (www.cosa-recovery.org). Many community facilities that treat alcohol and other drug (AOD) addiction also treat sexual addiction.
You may think, "I'm not the addict, why should I get help?" If you are engaged in any of the family member's behavior described above, or if your self-esteem is suffering, or if you are depressed, get help for yourself. You may not be able to convince your spouse to seek help, but you do have some power and control over your own life decisions. You can recover, regardless of whether the addict does.
7. Sexual Addiction - Help for the Sex Addict's Spouse
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
Can the spouse of a sex addict find help individually for the effects of the sexual addiction on their lives? Sure. Much of the time, however, it is the crisis of discovery of the acting out, or some other related crisis that brings the sex addict and spouse into treatment. They usually seek services at the same time, if the spouse gets help. Unfortunately, many times only the addict is treated.
Although there are inpatient and outpatient treatment services, many sex addicts and their partners have a difficult time finding an appropriate treatment provider. Couples may seek marriage counseling and no address the sexual addiction. Possible reasons for this are varied, but couples often come to counseling with a variety of relationship complaints that may not be immediately identifiable as sexual addiction. Addiction-related behavior or problems may be hidden intentionally or unintentionally from the therapist and the couple may not understand the connections between the sexual behavior and their other presenting problems. Additionally, many treatment providers have a general lack of knowledge about sexual addiction. Sexual addiction demands treatment.
Once sexual addiction has been correctly diagnosed, the addict's number one goal would be abstinence from the compulsive sexual behavior(s). A first step in achieving that goal is to define "abstinence". Although abstinence in drug addiction treatment is easily defined, that is not necessarily the case with sexual addiction. A lifetime of abstinence is not usually recommended, but treatment for sexual addiction will often involve complete sexual abstinence for a period of time (often 60-90 days), Spouses should be part of the discussions about definitions of abstinence and any expectations of abstinence within the marriage for any period of time. This is important because couples often assume that they agree on something when it has not even been discussed.
Treatment for the addict and co-addict would involve education about sexual addiction. The importance of using all recovery resources available, (i.e., sex addicts anonymous (SAA), sexaholics anonymous (SA), Co-SA (co-dependents of sex addicts), group counseling, individual and couples counseling would be discussed. Therapists would also usually make reading recommendations.
What kinds of issues would the spouse of an addict work on in counseling? Many spouses initially have the attitude that it is the addict only that has "the problem". But when you look at the devastation in your own life that is associated with the sex addiction, you begin to see not just the benefit of counseling but the importance of it.
A line of communication begins, with assistance in learning effective, non-acting out dialogue. Couples learn fair fighting and active listening skills. This assists in a more comprehensive disclosure about the sexual compulsivity. The addict usually feels some relief about getting the secrets out into the open. But both the addict and spouse usually feel overwhelming shame. Both may feel grief. The spouse or co-addict may grieve the loss of the fantasy marriage. The addict may feel grief over the loss of the addiction. The spouse inevitably feels betrayed and very angry. Painful issues are uncovered. Couples need good communication skills in order to talk about these painful experiences and feelings. Although the couple may be talking about these issues with each other, they may still be withdrawing and isolating from other family members and friends due to shame. Self esteem takes a hit in early recovery but usually recovers during the process of recovery over time.
Couples usually need help with rebuilding, not just the trust and intimacy in their lives, but with damage to infrastructure, like finances. Some of the negative consequences of sexual addiction are loss of job, financial devastation, and an arrest or other legal consequences (i.e., sexual harassment). These are issues that require the processing of feelings, and problem solving skills. Partners need help working through the emotional damage of the acting out, with working through hurt feelings and betrayal, rebuilding trust, and recovering a willingness to risk letting down their guard with each other.
The spouse needs therapeutic attention of his/her own. Treatment goals for the co-addict would probably involve a frank discussion of feelings about the acting out, with an assessment of the damage to the spouse from that acting out. Spouses often blame themselves for the acting out, believing that if they were pretty/handsome enough, smart enough, sexual enough, etc. that their spouse would not be acting out. They may feel guilty about not seeing it earlier and/or not recognizing the problem so that it could be solved. The spouse usually needs help with learning to let go of responsibility for the addict's recovery, to stop inappropriate caretaking or enabling, or to stop trying to control the addict. The co-addict is assisted in empowering themselves to make decisions based on strengths rather than fear. Self-esteem is a focus of therapeutic attention. Co-addicts often discover in the process of recovery that they had their own issues before the sexual addiction issues surfaced. Similarly, the addict usually has the beginning of their sexual addiction before the marriage. A lot of co-addicts (and addicts) uncover addictions of other family members, and unresolved family of origin trauma, like childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse, or neglect. These are issues that need to be addressed and treated in order to be able to truly be intimate in relationships.
Just as the addict needs to change their core beliefs in recovery, the co-addict must change some core beliefs about themselves and their own competence in recovery. As recovery continues, and time passes, the co-addict can eventually regain the trust for their addicted spouse. This is not a short process, and the addict often gets frustrated, angry, and resentful when the spouse continues to bring up the past, and discuss and process negative feelings. Counseling helps facilitate this process with assistance in talking about it and reminding the addict that it takes the spouse this long to work through those feelings. The spouse's ability to regain trust for the sex addict is in part dependent upon their perception of addict's performance in honesty, consistency, dependability, and sensitivity to the co-addict's feelings. Identifying and working through one's own issues, along with increase self-esteem and self-confidence, helps facilitate the recovery of trust. Other important therapeutic work of the spouse is development of a plan for how they would deal with relapse. Through their own hard work they learn to determine for themselves what they are willing to live with and what they are not. They learn to define and declare their bottom lines and to set boundaries about relapse accordingly. They learn to reject unacceptable behavior and take care of themselves. Co-addicts can learn to trust their own opinions and reality and make decisions appropriate to being responsible for their own health, welfare, and happiness.
Treatment is not just for the addict. Even if the addict does not recover, the spouse can, if they are willing to do the work. Just divorcing the addict, usually does not solve the problem for the co-addict. Without work, the emotional baggage that you carry around from one relationship to another just keeps getting heavier.
8. Addiction -
How Do You Know If Infidelity is a Symptom of Sexual Addiction?
10 Indicators
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
You have just discovered or been informed of your partner's infidelity. You are in shock. You are confused, angry, immobilized, depressed, and thinking you will absolutely go crazy. In the midst of all this, you keep hearing about "sexual addiction" in the media and you wonder if it is sexual compulsivity. How do you know if the infidelity is a symptom of sexual addiction?
Below are some indicators of infidelity as a component of sexual addiction:
1. Sex addiction is a pattern of sexual acting out. If this episode of infidelity is the not first time that you have suspected or discovered infidelity it may be addiction.
2. Sex addicts usually have more than one sexual compulsion. If your spouse compulsively engages in other sexual behaviors, it could be addiction.
3. If you discover that your partner has been going to strip clubs, adult bookstores, cruising locations, like "pick-up bars", or other places where they would have more of an opportunity to act out if they chose to, it could be an indicator.
4. Sex addicts often have difficulty with true intimacy. If you feel sexually used, abused, or viewed as a sex object by your partner, it is an indicator.
5. If your partner seems to have less interest in sex with you and less interest in the intimacy of your relationship, it could be an indicator.
6. Sex takes on an exaggerated level of importance to a sex addict. Thinking about sex, fantasizing, planning, being obsessed about sex, are indicators of addiction.
7. Sex addicts use sex as a drug to deal with life's ups and downs. If your spouse seems to "need sex" when s/he is stressed out, and s/he seem to feel better afterward (briefly), it could be addiction.
8. Sexual addiction is often cross-addicted with other addictions, like gambling, compulsive overeating, alcohol and other drug addiction. If your spouse has other addictions, it could be that s/he is also a sex addict.
9. If you have discovered negative financial consequences of the infidelity or of other sexual acting out, it could be addiction.
10. If one or both of you come from an addicted family of origin, where one or members are addicted to sex, alcohol or other drugs (AOD), gambling, or work, it could be addiction. Newly recovering sex addicts, (and sometimes their spouses), often discover that there was sexual acting out in their family of origin, either with infidelity, some other compulsive sexual behavior, or sexual abuse (or other abuse).
Infidelity, like sexual addiction, carries with it, a certain amount of secrecy, dishonesty, shame, guilt, emotional turmoil, and difficulties with intimacy in significant relationships. If you can identify with some of the indicators above, the unfaithful spouse should be encouraged to be evaluated for sexual addiction by a professional. You, as the spouse, are encouraged to find out everything that you can about this illness, so that you can not only make decisions based on information, but so that you can heal from the pain that you are experiencing.
9. How to Find Help For Sexual Addiction
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
Trying to find help for sexual addiction can be a daunting task. The revelation of the secret is devastating and creates a major relationship crisis. Regardless of how the revelation comes about, the spouse will generally feel angry, betrayed, and hurt.
The sexual compulsiveness of one of the partners is a very real threat to the continuation of the relationship. The faithful spouse may grieve the loss of the perceived relationship and come face to face with the reality of a relationship where the partner has been living two different lives. Individual counseling is appropriate for both spouses. Couples counseling is also appropriate. Twelve step group involvement is also quite helpful.
Spouses of sex addicts usually have many questions about what it all means, what kinds of risk they are exposed to, and what they should be doing next. One of the most pressing questions for the non-addicted spouse is "Should I leave, or should I stay."
They often need some help in working through the deluge of feelings and making a decision. The spouse usually feels compelled to gather as much information as possible, ostensibly to make an informed decision. The compulsive need to gather information and the feelings the obsession exacerbates can eventually bog down the whole process if left unchecked. While the feeling of being overwhelmed by the thoughts, feelings, and seemingly never ending questions is typical, to get to healing, you have to keep moving.
Spouses often have some fundamental and down to earth questions about their partner's addiction. They often equate sexual addiction with sexual offending. They may worry about possible predatory behavior and whether their children or other family members are safe. They wonder if the illness can effectively be treated and what kinds of outcomes can be expected.
While the non-addicted spouses have a high need for answers and support, they often feel ashamed and resist asking for help. To do so would mean disclosing information. They often feel afraid of being judged. They often report that they have no one to talk to about their experiences, feelings, and questions.
Finding help for sexual addiction-regardless of whether the help is for the addict, the spouse, or the couple-can be confusing and difficult. Depending upon where you live, it may not be so easy to find a therapist who treats sexual addiction or family members of sex addicts. Since a simple search in the yellow pages usually does not yield the desired results, there are several ways that you can find a qualified therapist.
In your search for appropriate help, try these.
1. An internet key word search with sexual addiction counselor and location will usually bring up some possible candidates. You usually have to wade through numerous thinly disguised treatment programs located somewhere in the United States advertising as local help.
2. Contact the state licensure or certification board for alcohol/drug counselors. Ask for a recommendation for a counselor for sexual addiction. Sexual addiction is usually most effectively treated by addiction professionals.
3. Find the day, locations, and phone numbers for 12 step groups that focus on sexual addiction. Look for your local Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Co-Sex Addicts Anonymous or Recovering Couples Anonymous meetings. Go to some meetings. Ask people in the meetings who the best counselor in town is for your specific needs.
4. Call the alcoholism/drug treatment centers in your city or state and ask for a referral for someone that they know who treats sexual addiction.
5. You can also attend some open Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and ask people in the meeting who to contact for sexual addiction treatment. A large number of people who are in recovery for sexual addiction also have other addictions. You could meet some people in AA or NA who are also working a 12 step program for sexual addiction.
6. Find a meeting for Celebrate Recovery in your community. They are usually held at churches and tend to have a religious base (versus "spiritual focus"), but sexual addiction is one of many addictions or compulsions represented in the group.
Keep looking until you find the kind of help that you need. These tips presuppose that you have health insurance or financial means to pay for professional counseling when you find it. If this is not the case, other resources are available.
10. How to Get Help For Sexual Addiction
When You Don't Have Money
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
Most communities have state supported counseling resources, such as community mental health centers and substance abuse treatment centers. Some offer inpatient treatment. Some offer outpatient treatment. Some offer both. Any place that has a"sliding scale", which is cost based on adjusted income, probably has a state contract. Many have a policy that says that no one will be turned away due to a "lack of ability to pay". That means that if you cannot afford even the sliding scale fee appropriate to your income, that you can usually still get counseling.
Although there are many people who focus on sexual addiction treatment, such specialized services may not be readily available in your community, or may not be accessible to those without health insurance or ability to pay for expensive fees. In such cases, other professionals who are generally available to those with limited financial resources would most likely be connected to community mental health or substance abuse services that are state supported. Usually the helping professionals most likely to be versed in sexual compulsiveness treatment are addiction counselors.
Other "free" or "low cost" options include the local public library. Check out the Patrick Carnes books and others writing on the subject. An internet search with key words that speak to your specific situation can turn up a number of sites that have articles and other resources for personal growth and development.
The local phone book and local newspaper can tell you when, where, and phone numbers to the meetings for Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sexaholilcs Anonymous (SA), Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA), or Celebrate Recovery groups. In your local newspaper, there is usually a particular day of the week where they publish a list of local organizations, meetings, groups, etc. Pick a group and start going. 12 step groups are free.
If none of the above are listed, go to open AA meetings. The principles of recovery are the same for all addictions. Many people who have sexual addiction also have other addictions, especially alcoholism and other drug addiction. So if you drink, it is probably in your best interest to become abstinent from alcohol and other mood altering drugs (with possible exception of prescribed medication) while you figure out all the variables of your sexual addiction.
Most people have to abstain from sexual behavior for at least 30 days to 90 daysin order to be able to step back and assess their sexual behavior, identify negative consequences of that behavior, and identify their own personal definition of abstinence. You can treat sexual compulsion cravings the same way that you treat alcohol and other drug cravings.
Even though you don't have insurance or other economic resources, you can still recover. You just have to piece together the various components of treatment, learning, and support yourself. The ultimate goal for treatment of sexual compulsiveness, despite the initial abstinence suggestion, is not lifelong abstinence, but a return to healthy sexuality.
11. Sexual Addiction: Early Recoverry Skills
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
For most sex addicts, abstinence is encouraged in early recovery. A period of 30 - 90 days of complete abstinence is often recommended. Although each sex addict must define abstinence and recovery for himself or herself based on their own unique addiction and history, initial abstinence usually involves all sexual behavior, including masturbation. The ultimate goal is not to remain celibate forever but to learn healthy sexual expression in an intimate relationship.
Early recovery skills involve establishing sexual abstinence in the face of an overwhelming urge to act on one's sexual compulsions. Abstinence skills are much like the early recovery skills a drug addict or alcoholic would learn. To be successful in fighting the urge to engage in the compulsive behavior, a number of personal and lifestyle changes should occur that can encourage and support abstinence. The addict in early recovery alters his lifestyle from the environment that was created to support the sexual addiction to one that will support recovery. Below are some tips for establishing early abstinence and ultimately recovery from sexual addiction:
1. Make lifestyle adjustments that nourish recovery behavior.
a. Get rid of your stash. Get rid of the pornography, the "little black book", the videos, the internet favorites, etc.
b. Don't carry cash or credit cards.
c. Have a 1-900-number block put on the phone.
d. Install an internet filter on the computer
e. Go to Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) or Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA); Get a sponsor.
f. Go to a local "Celebrate Recovery" group and get an accountability partner.
g. Add more structure to your life. Make sure that someone knows where you are at all times, so that you will be less likely to act out in secrecy and isolation.
h. Alter your "entertainment" behavior. Get rid of the premium channels on cable. Watch television and movies with someone else and see only G rated movies for the time being.
i. Don't go to slippery places like strip clubs, massage parlors, adult bookstores, or bars.
j. Identify what your other addictions are and abstain from them too. Most sex addicts have other addictions such as alcoholism/drug addiction, gambling addiction, eating disorders, work addiction, or spending addiction. Acting out in one addiction endangers sobriety in other addictions.
k. Develop a spiritual program of recovery.
2. Learn new skills to combat urges and cravings to engage in the compulsive behavior.
a. Think of abstinence as a "one day at a time" task. Don't think of it as quitting forever. Do what you have to do today to not engage in the compulsive sexual behavior. Tomorrow do the same thing.
b. Learn "thought stopping" techniques to eliminate the fantasies.
c. Replace distorted beliefs about your need for sex with a realistic perspective about sexuality. An example would be that sex is not your most important need. You will not die without sex. Food, shelter, clothing-you need all these more than sex. Change how you think.
d. Use cognitive therapy to challenge each craving or urge as it occurs.
e. Keep busy. Distract yourself with healthy alternatives.
f. Tell yourself the truth. When you start thinking of all the positive attributes of sexually acting out, tell yourself the truth about those "positives". Point out to yourself, that your marriage is shot and your career is practically over. Remind yourself how "sex as a solution" has cost you dearly. Keep telling yourself that "sex is the problem, not the solution."
g. Challenge your own defense mechanism that make it alright to relapse. Early on, you will have identified the inner and middle circle sexual behaviors. Thoughts will reoccur that will tell you that some of those behaviors that you decided were problematic, really are not that problematic after all, and that you can engage in those without negative consequences.
h. In your wallet, carry a list of reasons why you want to quit sexually acting out. Or post it on the door or some other place that would most effectively help you avoid relapse.
i. Use thought stopping techniques to eliminate the fantasies before they take hold.
3. Identify the roles that the compulsive sexual behavior used to play in your life. Identify healthy alternatives with which to replace those roles.
a. Make a list of the "things" that you once used sex for. Examples could include stress management, getting to sleep, escape from pressures, dealing with or not dealing with feelings, escape from relationship issues, etc.
b. For each one of the things that you used sex for, make a list of alternatives to sex that can be used for the same purpose. Examples for stress management could include exercise, hobbies, assertiveness training, sports, gardening, replacing worry with problem solving, etc.
c. Post your list where you can see it and add to it daily.
4. Deal with your emotions and your relationships issues as they occur. Marriages with sexual addiction have major problems. It comes with the territory.
a. Talk about the relationship. Deal with the conflicts. Deal with the feelings. Don't shut down and refuse to talk about what has happened. Don't put your spouse off with "It's in the past. Let's get out of the past". Last week is not the past. Last month is not the past.
b. Get feed back from your spouse about boundaries and sexual behavior targeted for elimination. Your spouse needs to tell you their observations, thoughts, and feelings about your behavior. You need to hear it. They may have some insight that you do not yet have.
Sexual addiction is a deeply ingrained pattern of behavior. In order to recover, you cannot wish it so. You must change your behavior, you thoughts, and your feelings. You must abstain from sexual behavior at the beginning. You do this to get back in touch with your feelings, to identify the patterns and problems of your life, and to learn to deal with life without using sex like a drug to escape from it. You will not die from lack of sex. You may, however, experience withdrawal symptoms much like withdrawal symptoms that people have when they withdraw from alcohol or other mood altering drugs. In early recovery, you must establish abstinence. To do this, you must get through the cravings and urges to act out. Relapse prevention is crucial in early recovery.
12. Sexual Addiction Recovery:
What Are We Trying To Accomplish?
Individually Defining Recovery
By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
Early recovery tasks for sexually compulsive people include the following: a) identifying the sexual behaviors that are problematic, 2) identifying the adverse impact that this acting out has on different aspects of one's life, 3) identifying one's own "real" sexual values, and 4) establishing one's unique definition of "sexual sobriety".
In early recovery, counselors and sponsors (i.e., Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous) aid the sex addict in identifying that definition of sobriety. Since there are as many different ways to act out sexually as there are sex addicts, each person must determine the sexual behavior that s/he engages in that are causing problems in his/her life. Some examples of problematic erotic behavior include compulsive masturbation, obsessive fantasy, pornography, use of prostitutes, massage parlors, internet sex, and phone sex. Compulsive acting out is classified within four levels of addiction (e.g. Patrick Carnes), with each level of behavior crossing more of others' boundaries and becoming more victimizing. Sex addicts may or may not escalate from one level of addiction to the next. An example of progressing from one level to another could be moving from any of the previous levels into adding some of the following behavior to one's sexual acting out repertoire: voyeurism, obscene phone calls, or sexual harassment.
Early recovery involves getting real about the compulsive nature of one's erotic behavior. It also involves an in-depth look at how the addiction came about. It often has its genesis in early childhood, with physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Most sex addicts come from addicted families--sexually addicted, work addicted, or chemically addicted. They may not realize that there was addiction in their families of origin, but as recovery progresses and they put the pieces of the puzzle together, the essence of addiction usually emerges.
The troublesome behavior is eliminated in early recovery. In order to accomplish this, an addict must be able to place his/her own sexual behavior within the three circles of sexual behavior as described by Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA). The innermost circle is populated with the core acting out behavior that has brought the addict into recovery, and which is the principal target for elimination.
The damaging impact of middle circle behavior is often uncertain at the beginning of the recovery process. This behavior, while not "bottom line", inner circle behavior that is targeted for extinction, is also not the healthy behavior of the outermost circle. Middle circle behavior tends to be that behavior which can and (routinely does) serve as a trigger for inner circle acting out. Sometimes when addicts continue to grapple with maintaining abstinence from target core behavior, persistence of middle circle behavior is at the core of the problem. For a multiplicity of reasons the recovering person may not have viewed middle circle behavior as particularly problematic and consequently they have not been included in their definition of "sobriety". When these middle circle behaviors persist and lead to relapse, the recovering person may then become more aware of the negative impact of these behaviors and move them into the inner circle, target behaviors to be eliminated.
Outer circle behavior is defined as that which involves positive, healthy, recovery behavior, some of which may involve healthy, intimate sex in committed relationships. Again, the primary goal for recovery is the development of the ability to become healthy in one's physical intimacy behavior.
While the addict is working on eliminating the innermost core behavior, they are simultaneously working to identify the living problems that they have been seeking to medicate through their addiction. A feeling of worthlessness and/or self-loathing is usually uncovered, and the addict begins to work through the shame.
One of the most potent tools for recovery is a "spiritual program". Other new living skills must be learned and applied to all areas of one's life. One important example of a new skill to be learned and one of the long term goals of recovery is to acquire new relationship skills, including how to be truly intimate. In recovery, sex moves from being a "drug of choice" into a healthy expression and a part of intimacy.
Recovery from sexual addiction is a process which includes major life changes, including lifestyle, beliefs, and attitudes. Recovering people generally discover that their network of friends change as the addict's behavior, beliefs, and attitudes no longer match old friendship networks. The sex addict stops "sexualizing" relationships with others. They challenge old, distorted thoughts about the self, the world, and others, and replace them with a more realistic worldview of life and relationships.
Marital sex changes in tone, frequency, and quality. Sex addicts stop looking to their spouse as a "provider" of sexual services. In recovery, intimate partners identify their feelings about the sexual behavior, and define and verbalize expectations and boundaries. Couples seeking to restore their relationship get honest. They recommit to the relationship. They work to restore the lost intimacy. They may now actually be having sex again for the first time in a long time. They identify problematic marital issues, including the erotic behavior and start to work through the conflicts and resolve old hurts. One of the fundamental goals of recovery for sex addicts and their spouses is the development of healthy, "non-addictive" sex within the context of true intimacy. This process occurs over time, sometimes years.
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